


Understood Backwards

by iknaq



Series: The Suits [9]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Music, Anxiety, BBW, Depression, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, Inspired by Music, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, POV Alternating, Self-Harm, Spanking, Suicide Attempt, Vaginal Sex, plus size
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-02-28 04:28:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 45,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13263699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iknaq/pseuds/iknaq
Summary: Audra spills her life story to everyone, afraid that she might not get the chance after going to the Institute.





	1. Looking Back At My Life's Voyage

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, as usual, this ended up getting much longer than I had anticipated (but kinda anticipated). So, I decided to break it off into another part of its own. This section is mainly going to be Audra telling her backstory. There's a lot of music mentioned because for me music is really tied heavily to my memories and I imagine it is that way for her.

Of all the people to come looking for him, he hadn't really expected Arthur Maxson to ever be among them, at least not like this.  
  
'Excuse me, have you seen the General?'  
  
'Audra? I thought she was with you?'  
  
'She was but I am afraid she got upset over one of the letters we found in the box. I did not see what it was about but she said she needed a moment. That was a half an hour ago, I was hoping you might have an idea of where she went.'  
  
'I have a few places I can check...why don't you go over to Red Rocket, it's just about lunchtime.'  
  
'Thank you, Mr...?'  
  
'Just call me Shadow.'  
  
-  
  
He checked the house, the playground, the cellar, her office, Red Rocket, and Nate's grave before heading up the hill, that's when he heard the grating noise of the platform. Deacon found her sitting on the floor in front of the cryo pods that Sturges hadn't gotten around to disassembling yet. The look on her face was frightening, there was panic and fear there but there was also resignation like she was locked into a path that she knew wasn't going to turn out so well.  
  
'They were in this one, I was in that one...Shaun was fussing, we were trying to comfort him. I forgot to tell Nate that I loved him. I didn't think I needed to, we were only supposed to be apart for a moment. Sometimes I dream and it's just me falling out of the pod and down to the floor, opening the pod and he's there telling me that I failed them. Deuce should have been the one to survive, he would have torn down the world to get to Shaun. Just tell me I can do this, please? If you tell me, I'll believe you. Ugh...I can't...what if I can't do it? What if I just disappear?'  
  
(Ghost - Mystery Skulls)  
  
The pleading tone made his gut clench unpleasantly. That the strongest person he knew needed to hear it from him, the liar, was a testament to how on edge she actually was. That and the fact that when he hugged her he could feel her heart going a million miles an hour. He could never admit it to her, at least not while she was in this state but he was glad it was her and not Nathan that had survived. He loved the man from everything that he remembered but she was right...he would have torn down the world to get to Shaun but she'd made it a better place.  
  
'You can do this, Chunk. You can't run away from all those people out there that love you...Maxson said you read something that upset you?'  
  
'It was a letter from Gov after I got the news from Da about China. Okay, okay. Thank you, I love you...I can do this. Can you? I'm going to be talking about a lot of things you may not remember and stuff after Aidan died. Will you be able to hold it together?'  
  
'Sure, Charmer! You know me, chill as a cucumber.'  
  
She patted his cheek fondly and pressed a little kiss on the corner of his mouth.  
  
'Liar.'  
  
Her fingertips ghosted over the ring before lacing their fingers together, leading the way out, she played it off so well - shifting to that composed, confident woman but she kept a death grip on his hand. She didn't let go once, not while greeting everyone, not through lunch, it wasn't until the tin can asked to speak with her that she finally let go.  
  
'Everything okay?'  
  
_Of course, he would notice..._  
  
Deacon flashed a grin as Valentine took a seat next to him, offering his pack and taking one for himself. He didn't look particularly happy as he watched the Paladin speak to Audra, all red-faced and nervous. Glancing around before going a bit more serious.  
  
'Yeah, she got a bit nervous...she doesn't think she can do it.'  
  
'Sometimes I wonder how come she can't even see half of what we see...'  
  
Mac wandered over as he made the comment, stealing the cigarette from him and flopping down on the rooftop, sitting there in front of them. Surprising the crap out of him when Mac leant back against his legs, lifting his hand and looking at the ring before handing the cigarette back. He just barely resisted the urge to snatch his hand back, flushing slightly. They all looked up when Sturges wandered over, leaning against the edge of the rooftop.  
  
'We just need to keep reminding her. The dreams have been getting to her again.'  
  
'She talked about how she's been dreaming about Nate.'  
  
'Yeah, but it's worse than that, she also had this dream the other night...wasn't making any sense when she first woke up. Was all worried that all of this wasn't really real and that she was crazy or something, kept asking me if I was sure that I was real. Insisted that she didn't deserve to be happy, that only bad things ever happened to her.'  
  
'What happened to her before that she believes that?'  
  
He couldn't help but narrow his eyes a little bit behind his glasses, looking over as Julian and Hank wandered over. Chunk had accepted him in and they seemed to get along but he still sometimes wondered how wise of a choice that was. About to open his mouth when she came wandering over.  
  
'Take a seat and I'll tell you.'  
  
-  
  
It was always the dreams, they were the worst. Sometimes it was nightmares but she could usually handle the nightmares...it was when they were nice, when none of this ever happened, dreaming of a home with Nate and Shaun, dreaming of the wedding she never got to have with Boff, and recently dreaming about bringing Shaun home to Red Rocket. Those were the ones that hurt, the ones that lingered...the ones that were never going to happen, except maybe for the last. Was it too much to hope that things might actually go her way?  
  
It was the reminder of dreams that really set her off. Seeing Arthur sitting there looking so much like Roger and then he was there like he used to always be there and it was so easy to pretend for a moment that she had her Boffin back. It was just a moment before reality came crashing back but she did believe him, she would always believe him.  
  
'General, may I have a word?'  
  
Audra snapped out of her thoughts to see Danse standing there, reluctantly letting go of Deacon's hand and following the Paladin as he stepped off to the side.  
  
'I...uh. The Elder showed me some of the pictures and letters. I just...I wanted to apologize for snapping at you before. He...uh, he was hurt by someone before...'  
  
'Danse. Danse...Danse, chill. We're cool, don't worry about it.'  
  
Once again there was that blush was just too ridiculously cute on the large man, giving his arm a little squeeze. He really was a good person somewhere behind the uniform and brainwashing. She hoped he could come around, she hoped they all could.  
  
'If you'll join everyone, we'll get started and you can learn a bit about the guys. We can always talk more later.'  
  
Arthur arched an eyebrow at her and she just patted his shoulder, impulsively leaning in and giving him a kiss on the cheek, heart stuttering when she looked over and saw the guys sitting together. It was a slow process but they were getting along and it made her so ridiculously happy just to watch everyone interact. Looking back to Arthur and Danse, talking with Preston as he came over. Haylen, Curie, and Ellie off to the side. Elijah, Deegan, and Glory looked like they were talking weapons. Other Ellie, Piper, Hancock and Cait were having an animated discussion with Cait trying on Piper's coat on with a smirk.  
  
Just barely catching the end of the guy's conversation as she wandered over.  
  
'Take a seat and I'll tell you.'  
  
_What happened to her before?_  
  
Their words rang around in her brain, heavy, echoing. She turned and looked over the assembled group again and resisted the urge to run, to activate the bracelet Nick and Deacon had brought back with them and just disappear. Moving over and hopping up to take a seat on one of the tables where she could see everyone. Taking a few deep breaths before clearing her throat, making sure to speak loud enough that they could all hear her.  
  
'Hey, everyone. Thank you for coming today. Now, I know I haven't exactly been forthcoming about what we are all doing here today, so let's clear that up right away. I have a way into the Institute and I'm going in to get my son.'  
  
There was a pregnant silence before the protests came, letting the shouting go on a moment before raising a hand. It still surprised the hell out of her when they quieted down, looking at her expectantly. Audra stayed silent just a moment longer, looking at the folks that had become so important to her, missing the ones that weren't there but this was something she could do. She could present her case and win the jury over.  
  
'I have a device that will teleport me to the Institute, I am going to look for my son and there's nothing that can sway me from that. Now, I've promised that I will be back and I fully intend on keeping that promise but I also believe in covering all my bases, so I wanted to tell you all a story before I leave, on the off chance that I might not get to later. Piper, Haylen, would you be so kind as to take some notes? No more hiding, just everything laid out and I suppose if I am going to go through everything that somehow led me to being here, I should start at the beginning.'  
  
(Paradise - Coldplay)  
  
'One of the first memories I can think of is of my parents fighting. They were always fighting. They loved each other but they just...didn't fit.'  
  
She closed her eyes and tried to pull up the memory of her mother's face, how long had it been since she'd thought about her? Fleeting thoughts she'd had, worries that she would turn out to be like her but it had been so long since she'd last remembered her face.  
  
'She was gorgeous...I always wondered if that is part of why she was always upset, that I was a disappointment. I guess I looked like my grandmother, my dad's mom. Mum had this pretty auburn hair and green eyes. Da said that it was her eyes that first caught his attention. She was British, Regina Quinlan...there's a slim chance I'm related to Proctor Quinlan if his family came from the same area. My parents met when Da was on holiday in England. He was a pretty suave guy when he wanted to be and I guess Mum wanted away from the prim and proper life but turned out being a wife of a soldier apparently wasn't all that she thought it would be. She was always mad when he was away, never really knew what to do with me and then when he came back, they would fight.'  
  
Audra blinked back the tears that were forming, clearing her throat awkwardly. She couldn't look at them, she didn't want to see the pity in their eyes, chewing on her lip as she regained her train of thought.  
  
(Unsteady - X Ambassadors)  
  
'I can tell you the exact moment when she was done. I was 10, Da was back for a bit and it had been little snips at each other the whole time. I remember yelling at them to stop fighting. Dad came to my room and we started reading, things seemed to calm down but...Mum came in and was upset about something and I yelled at her, yelling about how it was always her fault for always being mad. The look on her face, she just turned around and walked out. I heard them yelling that night and the next day she just wouldn't talk to me. I tried...I apologized, I made her coffee, I sat there and read a book to her...she just ignored me. She disappeared after Da got home for the evening. He was making dinner and called for her when there was no answer he went to their room and there were clothes everywhere.'  
  
_'Reg...Reg, honey? Can you come help with dinner? Regina?'_  
_'She went to your room, Da.'_  
_'Thank you, pumpkin.'_  
_'REG!'_  
  
She couldn't help the little choked noise when she sniffled and Dogmeat came over, resting his head on her thigh, rubbing behind his ears. He was a good boy, a really really good boy.  
  
'I remember the smell of dinner burning, Da got one of the neighbour ladies to come over and stay with me while he went out. He must have found her while he was out, he came back upset. I think that was the first time I'd ever seen my Da cry. After that he had to take some leave, figure out what we were going to do, but eventually, he had to get back to it. I spent a lot of time with the different Army wives and for a while instead of getting shipped out anywhere, Da was just moved around working on different projects. We'd lived in ten different places by the time I was 13.'  
  
She couldn't help but chuckle a little, feeling her heart swell with the memory.  
  
'He'd pissed someone off at some point and we had to move again because he'd be reassigned. Just about a month before my fourteenth birthday, we moved to Modesto, California so Da could report to his new squad under the one and only Roger Maxson at Mariposa Military Base.'  
  
There was a little gasp and Haylen blushed, looking down at the notepad she'd been taking notes on when everyone looked over at the sound. Arthur sat back in his chair, folding his arms, all business. Raising an eyebrow again when she just stared at him for a moment, smirking at him a bit but unable to stop the blush that crept up her chest and neck till her face was flaming.  
  
'I had the absolute worst bloody crush on Roger right from the get-go. Rather than the military housing on base, Da had opted for a house in Modesto so I could go to school there. It wasn't fancy but I loved that house and it had a nice backyard. Da invited his new squad over for a BBQ the week before my birthday.'  
  
(Drumming Song - Florence + The Machine)  
  
'Da must have mentioned that my birthday was coming up because when Roger and Susan got there, he came over and introduced himself, talking with me a bit before pulling out a book. He said that it was one of his favorite books and that I was a very intelligent young woman and that he thought I would enjoy it. I could barely hear him talking over the sound of my heart pounding. Then somewhere behind me I heard this smarmy-ass voice asking me to grab some food and bring it out, followed by a chuckle and that was my introduction to Aidan and Nate.'  
  
_'Hey, Hobbity one, your Pop wants you to bring out the burgers. Come on, please? We're hungry.'_  
_She turned towards the voice, still flushed and clinging to the book, blushing even more in embarrassment at the chuckle from the one with the brownish hair. Something must have shown on her face because the redhead softened a little, motioning to the kitchen._  
_'If you show me where they are, I'll help you carry them out, Chunk.'_  
  
Audra looked up, her gaze landing right on Deacon, smiling softly. Realising she'd started playing with her ring unconsciously as he fiddled with his, forcing herself to look away, looking out over the road to Sanctuary.  
  
'From that point forward our house became the hub for the group. It wasn't unusual to find Gov, Roger, over if he and Susan had gotten into a fight and Nate and Aidan were always there because it was easier to crash at our house after going to the bars then trying to go back to base, they even had their own rooms. Especially on the weekends, I'd wake up and go and make breakfast and one or both of them would stumble out. Rog would be at the table reading the paper, sometimes. Da would sleep in and then spend the day on little projects, he was always building something.'  
  
Audra looked over to Nick and the warmth in his eyes helped ground her, vaguely remembering telling him the story that night after Eddie Winter. She wondered what had happened to the flower she'd given him.  
  
'I had a rough time at school...that fall I ended up getting suspended for punching one of the other girls. After that I convinced Da to let me stay home and the guys essentially home-schooled me. I studied all the regular subjects but they also started teaching me other things, Boff, Aidan spent most of the time teaching me. I learned how to build things from Da, everyone taught me a bit of hand to hand, Aidan taught me knife fighting when no one else was around, Nate taught me how to shoot, Roger taught me how to play poker and how read people. I spent the most time with them but there were the others from time to time, Susan taught me how to cook, Jeff taught me outdoorsy camping stuff, Dan taught me computers.'  
  
She risked a glance back at Deacon, seeing the look of concentration on his face as he tried to remember, there must have been a look on her face because Sturges rested a comforting hand on Dee's shoulder. Hopping off the table to grab a pack of cigarettes, stalling a moment to compose herself before starting again.  
  
'They were all there for Christmas and it felt like home for the first time ever and I think that we were happy despite the always lurking black cloud. By then the guys lived at the house instead of on base...the nights I worried and couldn't sleep, Aidan would sit out in the living room with me and read to me. China had invaded Alaska and we all knew that they could be called away at any moment. Supplies were being routed through the base, the guys taught me how to use Stealth Boys and even the power armour once before it got shipped out to Anchorage. By January the annexation of Canada was complete and the word came down that they would ship out in March.'  
  
She couldn't stop the little shiver that went down her spine. She remembered crying and yelling and running away. Nate was the one that found her at the school playground, sitting on the swings, shivering, wondering what the point was. Audra flinched when she broke her cigarette, lost in the memory, dropping it and stamping it out, fists clenching.  
  
(Untitled Finale - Atreyu)  
  
_'Hey, Chunk.'_  
_'Go away, Deuce...'_  
_'I'm just gonna take a seat here and when you're ready to talk and stop yelling, I'll be right here.'_  
_She flushed when he dropped his jacket on her shoulders, it was warm and smelled like the aftershave she'd given him for Christmas._  
  
'Sorry, give me a moment. Anyone else want a drink?'  
  
They took a moment and got a round of drinks, looking anywhere but at their faces or she wouldn't make it through this. She almost lost it when Piper grabbed her and hugged her tight and she looked up and caught Mac's eye. It wasn't him, it wasn't Nate but god they looked so much alike but that look, it was all Robert. Her nails were digging into her palm painfully, focusing her just enough to continue.  
  
'I'd convinced Da to let me stay at the house by myself, I knew how to take care of myself. I didn't go out a lot unless Susan made me. I'd finished reading all of the books in the house, including all of Da's instruction manuals, Nate's porn magazines and comics, and all of Aidan's angsty poetry books. So, I started going to the library during the days and read everything I could get my hands on. The librarian, Mrs Spitz, she started watching out for me, she helped me do all the paperwork and stuff to get my diploma and go to the community college...but I was young and dumb and alone. There was this guy that lived across the street, he was a couple years older.'  
  
She couldn't help the soft woof of air that came out of her when she heard Deacon grunt. It seemed that even when he couldn't remember, his instant dislike of Joshua survived the centuries. He'd never liked him and the first time she'd told Aidan that she'd gone out on a date, she'd gotten an earful. Twisting the ring on her finger, remembering the last time she'd seen Joshua.  
  
_'Hey, I'll be right back, okay babe?'_  
_'Do not leave me back there alone, they'll eat me alive.'_  
_'I'll be right there, Aodh.'_  
_She stepped across the road to the man walking to the truck there, looking at her cautiously as he tossed a bag in the back._  
_'Get called out?'_  
_'Yeah, I ship out tomorrow. Hey...I know...I know I fucked up, before...but congratulations, you look happy.'_  
_'Thank you, Josh. You...you be careful and take care of yourself, okay?'_  
_'Thanks, Rah-rah.'_  
_She rolled her eyes at the nickname and gave a little salute before going to rescue her fiance from the ladies in the backyard._  
  
(Praying - Kesha)  
  
She vaguely wondered whatever happened to him, if he survived the battle or if he was taken before the end of the world like so many others on that day she lost Aidan.  
  
'Joshua was sweet at first. We...he...he was my first but one of the times I said no, he started to get a bit pushy. I ended up having to put all those moves I was taught to good use and kinda kicked the crap out of him. I'd see him fairly often since he just lived right there and when he couldn't get his way he started getting verbally abusive. I was okay for a while but eventually, I started to believe all those things he said.'  
  
Audra looked up and she could see the anger and pain on her family's faces and it was oddly comforting. It had been forever since that time but that show of emotion on her behalf, it was so much more then what had happened after that incident, biting her lip as she remembered.  
  
'I started cutting myself, it was easier dealing with physical pain. I think Mrs Spitz knew, she was always supportive and telling me I could talk with her if I needed to. But I was embarrassed, I felt weak. One of the nights it was really bad...I...I called Mum...needless to say, she was less than supportive. We'd talked every once and a while on holidays and my birthdays but I hadn't seen her since she'd left. She uhh...'  
  
She was having a hard time forming words, taking a few deep breaths. She felt Sturges come up and sit beside her and she moved so she was standing between his legs, leaning back against his chest. It was his warm arms around and the feeling of him playing with the ring on her hand that grounded her, that and seeing everyone supporting each other. She flushed a little, seeing them hanging on her words...Nick was leaning into Dee's side, Deacon had a hand on Mac's shoulder. Danse was patting Haylen's back gently and keeping an eye on Arthur. Arthur was...mad. She thought about stopping but she had to get through this, it was very cathartic, getting everything out in the open.  
  
(How Much Does Your Love Cost? - Thelma Plum)  
  
'I called Mum and told her I was having a hard time and uhh...we just ended up fighting, I didn't know what I expected, we always ended up fighting. At one point I asked her how she could say such horrible things to her only daughter and she told me it was because she didn't love me. That was one of the last times I ever spoke with her, the only other time was after I'd called to tell her she had a grandson but I'm getting ahead of myself. I...I didn't take her words very well and I tried cutting my wrists that night.'  
  
They had to pause so Audra could comfort Curie, the little soft hiccups slowly calming down enough that they could continue but Curie kept hold of her hand and Sturges stayed at her back, surrounding her in warmth.  
  
'It only took about a half a second after the blood started welling up that I realised I wasn't ready to go and I scrambled to bind my wrists, luckily, I hadn't hit anything major. The only person I told was Aidan when he called home to check on me. He was so mad and worried and he yelled at me on the phone for what felt like forever. We'd gotten close but I think that was really a turning point, we started telling each other more and more after that and for a while, things were better. I was working my way through all my under-graduate classes fairly easily and I knew I was going to have to figure out what I wanted to do soon, I went to go talk with Mrs Spitz about it when I'd found out she'd been stabbed at the library. The man that stabbed her went free on a legal technicality...it wasn't like it is now, they had rules and procedures that needed to be followed. I decided to go into law after that because I didn't want anyone else using loopholes like that. Nate was originally from Boston and Harvard was one of the best schools, so when I was accepted, I jumped at the chance.'  
  
_'You got in? WOOOOOooooo, Chunk got in you guys! Our Chunk is going to Harvard! Oh man, you'll need to hang out with Lily and Adrienne, they're gonna love you!'_  
_'I'm proud of you, pumpkin. You have done so much, I'm sorry I haven't been there as much as I'd like.'_  
_'Harvard? That is a good choice. You are bright and you can be a leader, we're all looking forward to seeing what you go on to, Audra.'_  
_'Harvard...in Boston. I guess I'll just have to make Deuce take me to Boston when we get back. You're not getting rid of me that easy. Have you heard of the Freedom Trail? You'll have to check that out.'_  
  
(Royals - Lorde)  
  
'Nate's sisters immediately adopted me, I loved Lily and Adrienne but I never really fit in with them. Their family was money, OLD money. The Upperstanders don't have anything on them when it comes to acting elitist. Nick might be able to remember how some of that old Boston money acted. I went out with Adrienne from time to time but they were all rich and fancy and dressed up and I was short and nerdy and nothing like they were. I met a wonderful woman through them though and dated for a bit before she moved away. She was a dancer...so beautiful and gentle and she helped me come back around to the possibility of falling in love again. I also started getting a lot more political. I didn't agree with how the war was being handled, I missed Da, I missed the guys. Heh, I ended up getting arrested at one of the protests. I mostly just kept to myself otherwise. I'd go out for classes, I was still training in some different hand to hand techniques, then poker but I just never really felt close to anyone.'  
  
She pressed a kiss on top of Curie's head before pulling her hand away to take a quick break and grab some water. There was so much to tell, she could talk for weeks and not be done, it was hard trying to figure out what needed to be said and what could wait. Smiling softly when they sat back down and she felt Sturges playing with her ring again before lacing their fingers together, the next memory coming back to her.  
  
'I was over the moon when I got the call that they were coming back, I was on a plane that evening. I wasn't alone anymore, my family was back...they were back. Me, Aidan, and Nate became inseparable and lord did we get into trouble. John, you asked me once how I got so good at lockpicking? It was cause I was always sneaking into places I shouldn't be. Sneaking on base to see the guys, sneaking into the warehouses so we could drink, there was a very elaborate prank on the Lieutenant Colonel that involved chocolate syrup and an inflatable sheep. I'm honestly surprised they never got court-martialed and I never got arrested again. It was one of those times when I was there, sitting on the workbench waiting for them to get done for the day that I got the nickname Queenie.'  
  
Audra glanced at Deacon before looking over at Arthur, smiling wryly, closing her eyes and pulling the memory back. She could see it like it was yesterday.  
  
'Aidan gave me the nickname...I was teasing Nate and he said that I was breaking his heart and Aidan said their hearts were mine to break since I was the Queen of Hearts. Our other friend, Jeff, overheard and said that we weren't playing with a full deck. That's when the idea came to me. The Suits, as we came to be known, started as a joke. I assigned each of the guys a card and a suit. It was based off of a video game psychology classification system that I read about in one of my classes. Hearts are socializers, Diamonds are achievers, Clubs are the killers, and Spades are the explorers. I wanted to change to Queen of Diamonds but they said no, that I was already the Queen of Hearts. Aidan was the King of Spades. Nate was the King of Clubs. Pop was the Ace of Spades. Roger was the King of Diamonds. Jeff was the Jack of Spades. Dan was the Jack of Diamonds. Chris was the Ten of Hearts. And those were the original Suits.'  
  
She lifted Sturges' hand and gave it a kiss before letting go, sauntering over towards Arthur and Danse. They were both frowning, probably upset that she was spilling the secret...or maybe learning that it started out as a joke. Holding her arm out so everyone could see the tattoo, gesturing to Arthur and Danse and rolling her eyes when they sat there stubbornly.  
  
'I'm not keeping secrets from my family, would you please show them yours?'  
  
Arthur gave a barely perceptible nod and Danse rolled up his sleeve, showing his Jack of Clubs mark, staring at the Elder blandly until he also rolled up his sleeve, showing the King of Diamonds tattoo. For a moment she got lost in his eyes, he was hiding his thoughts well, reaching out and lightly dragging a nail over his tattoo like she'd done before. She couldn't stop the little shiver when she saw the flash in his eyes, a heavy dose of anger, a dash of confusion and desire. There were a couple curious sounds from behind her and Haylen was wide-eyed, looking at the tattoos and sketching frantically, waving a hand at her.  
  
'You don't need to rush your drawings, Haylen. I have the original designs at the house, you can copy from those.'  
  
She smiled at the soft thank you, hoping she could get back to how it was before with Haylen when this was all said and done and not this awkward shyness that it was at the moment, turning to sit back down on the table. Her eyes dropped back to Deacon and watched as he rubbed his forearm, where his tattoo once was. She must have been bothering him with the revelations, despite his earlier assurances to stay chill, because his tells were considerably more noticeable than they usually would be...noticeable even to the others, watching Nick grasp his shoulder gently. Shaking her head a little and looking back at everyone.  
  
'Sorry, lost in thought for a moment there. As you can see, the Suits seem to have survived the centuries. Roger always was the sentimental sort...I miss them, I can't even begin to describe how much I fucking miss them and I can tell you that is probably why he did it. It was just him and Pop from the original Suits there at Mariposa when the world ended. We didn't have the tattoos at first. I was doodling them one day and Aidan saw, he swiped my journal from me and liked what he saw, asking me to draw his bigger so he could get it tattooed. I drew his up, then mine, then Nate wanted his, then Jeff. We were having a barbeque one day and Susan was trying to convince me not to get a tattoo, that it was not something that proper young ladies did. It upset me enough that it was noticeable and then Roger and Da were asking me to draw up theirs, as well.'  
  
(Come With Me Now - KONGOS)  
  
'We all went together to get our tattoos done from one of the guys Roger and I played poker with. I originally got mine on my back where it wasn't easily seen, a compromise for Susan but not too long ago I had it removed and redone on my left forearm where I had always wanted it. And, of course, from the moment they got back Aidan and I were dancing around each other. I was fairly oblivious at the time but looking back at it now I wish I had realised sooner. Maybe we could have had some more time together. Maybe not, for the longest time he always talked to me about how he didn't deserve to be happy because he was a bad person.'  
  
Audra took a moment to light another cigarette, closing her eyes for a moment before pulling the memories back.  
  
'I was completely and utterly in love with him and I had no clue what he was feeling. Like he was teasing me and stuff like that but he'd always teased me and I'd catch him looking at me now and then and I just didn't know what to think. I kept hoping he'd give me some kind of sign, trying to get him to admit to something one way or the other.'  
  
(Mercy - Duffy)  
  
'We were always going out, there was this one bar that we always went to. One of the nights I was kinda irritated at him, I was irritated at myself for being stupid and young and in love. I'd won a big poker game that night, so I had some extra money and we were really laying into the drinks. Boff started dancing with one of the waitresses, Lisa. One of the sweetest people in the whole world but I was drunk and jealous and determined not to let my heart be broken, so I started dancing with the other guys, mainly Nate and Jeff.'  
  
(Vibe. - JoJo)  
  
She bit the corner of her lip nervously, kicking at the floor, bobbing a bit to the music in her head. She could hear it, she could remember dancing, jammed tight on the tiny dance floor in the corner of the bar.  
  
'Aidan went somewhere, I was drunk so I asked Nate to take me home...and apparently proceeded to jump him in his truck on the way home. I remember waking up in a bed that wasn't mine with Nate there and he opened his eyes and let out the most ridiculous yelp and started throwing blankets at me. It took a couple cups of coffee before we remembered what had happened and how we'd made out in the truck before deciding a hotel was a good idea and jumped each other. Nate was just having the hardest fucking time looking at me and it wasn't till I offered to take him to bed again to relax him that he laughed and calmed down a bit. We decided to brush it off as a night of fun between friends and we went home and just told everyone that we'd been drunk and got a hotel to be safe and sleep it off.'  
  
Stabbing the cigarette out roughly, heart aching at the thought of Nate and what happened next.  
  
'It had been several weeks. Aidan had been on several dates with Lisa and I'd pretty much given up, just accepting that they were just my friends. Then Aidan came home from the shop the one day and he was pissed, going to his room, slamming the door and cranking his music up loud.'  
  
(Love is Blindness - Jack White)  
  
'I went to his room to ask him what was up when he got all flustered and asked me when I was going to tell him that I was seeing Nate. I didn't mean to be a complete jerk but I laughed before I could help it because at that point the idea that someone wanted to date me just felt ludicrous. The bitch face I got in return for my giggle got me pissed off and then we were standing there toe to toe, yelling.'  
  
(Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Marilyn Manson)  
  
'I yelled at him about how Nate and I had sex once and how we decided we were just friends and not that it was any of his fucking business but that I could sleep with whomever I wanted because why would I tell him when he was always out with Lisa and never there to talk to anymore. Somehow no one else was home at that time, so we just yelled until I bust out crying and stomped out and locked myself in my room. I heard him leave and with all the dramatic certainty of a nineteen-year-old, determined that I'd lost my best friend and that I would never find love. I came out late the next morning and it was just Da at home and he took in my puffy eyes and sluggishness and after breakfast had me come out to the shop with him. While we worked on our perpetually broken lawnmower he asked me what was up and I spilled how I was in love and hurting.'  
  
(DNA - Little Mix)  
  
'Now...you gotta understand, Da and I were close but conversations about lady stuff or relationships just made Pop feel super awkward but even though he felt that way, he sat there and listened to me until I was done. Then he asked me some questions about what me and the mystery man's interactions were like...I wasn't brave enough to say it was Aidan and after I told him everything he gave me some advice. If I was really in love, then I shouldn't give up. That relationships were hard work but that if it ended up being a one-sided love or a one-sided relationship that at some point I would have decide whether I wanted to stay or leave. And he admitted to me that he didn't work as hard as he could have with Ma but that she wasn't willing to work towards it either and that sometimes things just didn't work out but that he was always happy to have been a part of that because then they had me.'  
  
Audra brushed away the tears with the back of her hand but she was smiling. She could picture her Da so clearly, they were so alike, everyone always knew he was her Da and she was his daughter.  
  
'Pop always tried to talk about how he wasn't a great parent, always gone and stuff but Da was amazing. He was always loving and supportive, even when he didn't understand me, then he would just ask what I needed and I would never have traded for a different childhood because he was my Da and I never wanted anything else. It was that little pep talk that made me decide to try again. To be brave. Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...and I was determined to eventually let Aidan know I loved him.'  
  
Dee's glasses had slipped and the adoration in his eyes was a stab to the heart but she would have endured anything for him, as long as he would keep looking at her that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an amazing commission done by the wonderful Vectober over on Tumblr but I am not posting it here just yet because it will play into the story later but you can see it over on my page if you cannot wait :)


	2. You Can't Blame Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audra tells the story of how they came to be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I am sorry if this is really long and boring, I hope it's not, I love these dorks so much I just have imagined most the details of their lives so vividly.

'You never think about how much touch is a part of your life until it's absent.'

Audra turned her head to smile softly at Sturges, looking around at everyone. She was surrounded by love right now but just the memory of those missing in her life made her ache again.  
Deacon slid his glasses back up and she tried not to let the disappointment show on her face.  
  
'Aidan avoided me after the fight. Nate came home the next night with a black eye and then he started avoiding me too. Da didn't know what was up but he knew it was something, what with the three of us avoiding each other like the plague. I mostly stayed in my room, reading, singing. It was a week of that before Da said that he had to go away for a training for a couple weeks. I don't know what he said to the guys but there was always at least one of them at home with me at all times. We were such dorks. Communicating through notes shoved under each others doors. I started answering all of their notes in quotes or bits of poetry.'  
  
She couldn't stop the little grin, wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue.  
  
'Nate was easier to bring back around, I made his favourite desserts and would leave them sitting out in the kitchen till he came to my room one day and flopped on the bed and proceeded to get cookie crumbs all over the sheets until I admitted to him how I felt about Aidan. Boff took a little more work. I started out sweet but the poems for him got increasingly daring. I'd only give him a little bit at a time, not giving him the next part until he'd responded with something in return. I'd snuck into the workshop the one day and stuck a note in his locker and when he got home that night, he came pounding on my door.'  
  
_'Come on, Chunk. We're going to Eddie's.'_  
_She sat there debating but didn't get much of a chance, her door swinging open and there he was leaning against the frame, smirking like nothing had happened._  
_Two could play that game._  
_They didn't stay long at the bar, just enough to feel warm and fuzzy before heading home. Flopping on the couch and watching a movie. Nate dozing in the corner of the couch, using his thigh as a pillow, scratching the back of Boff's head while he sat there on the floor. It would not have surprised her one bit if he had started to purr like a big ol' tabby cat. Just like that things seemed to get back to normalish but the tension in the air was palpable and still, they held back._  
  
(Into You - Ariana Grande)  
  
'We fell back into our usual hanging out but there were the little things...touches that lingered for a breath longer, leaning into each other, kisses on the cheek. It never went past that though, Da got back and it was just as it was and I started to wonder if I had just imagined something there. The first time we kissed though...I was his.'  
  
Audra couldn't stop the blush that came, looking anywhere but at Deacon. Sturges chuckled softly behind her and she reached back and smacked his leg, making everyone laugh at her flustered face, risking a glance. The little smirk Deacon had made her weak in the knees.  
  
'Everyone was out for the night, Da was at Roger's, Nate had a date...so it was just me and Boff. We had dinner and then decided to watch a movie. I let him pick the movie and I wonder now if he did it deliberately but he picked a movie he knew I would find scary. I was curled up at his side and at one point I looked up at him and the next thing I knew we were lying on the couch making out like crazy.'  
  
_She couldn't believe this was happening. Holy Shit. Was this actually happening?_  
_Audra moaned softly as Aidan pushed her down onto the couch, lying over her and he just felt so damn good. How long had it been since Tessa? Over a year now..._  
_'Jesus, Audra...'_  
_Just that soft little moan from him nearly sent over the edge, bucking up against him eagerly. Boff, her Boff._  
_The sound of the door had her heart in her throat, praying it was Deuce home early from his date, at least he was generally oblivious._  
_Nope._  
_Of course, it had to be Pop._  
_The little crinkle in his brow had her stomach in knots. She really didn't know how he would react to this, biting her lip when he raised the finger._  
_'I'll talk with both of you in the morning.'_  
_It took a moment after he turned around and went to bed before she could breathe again, looking over at Aidan, he looked pale._  
_'Do you want to finish the movie?'_  
_They tried but it wasn't fun as they both sat there, tense and quiet, eventually agreeing to head to bed. Before she went to her room, Aidan grabbed her hand and just looked at her for a moment._  
_She never stood a chance._  
  
(push pull - Purity Ring)  
  
'Pop came home from Roger's and obviously realised what we had been doing and said that he would talk with us in the morning. We were both so nervous we couldn't finish the movie. I couldn't fall asleep for hours, just lying there in my bed, remembering every little touch. The next morning Da was up when I got up, which was uncommon because he usually tried to sleep in when he could, my stomach was just in knots. I went about making breakfast like I normally would when Aidan wandered in.'  
  
A quick glance confirmed what she was most worried about, this part, this memory. The one he clearly didn't remember. Nick had an arm around his shoulders and he had calmed down and stopped rubbing his arm, briefly debating not saying anything about it. Looking down at the floor, fists clenching. She looked back up and there must have been something on her face, as he raised an eyebrow at her. Mumbling softly, not even sure if he would remember that.  
  
'An féidir liom labhairt faoi seo?'  
  
Cait's head snapped up and she looked at her and then where she was looking, Dee nodding his head slightly. Cait's face scrunched up a bit but she stayed silent. Audra took the tiny head bob as an acknowledgement, taking a few deep breaths before continuing.  
  
'When Aidan was younger...he...he...Aidan had an older sister, Colleen. She'd helped raise him because their parents were more concerned about their next hit then they were about their kids. So, they were always close.'  
  
She sighed and the next part came out quick rush, trying to get it all out in one breath.  
  
'Aidan was 15, Colleen was 23...she apparently was dating this total shithead who always treated her pretty crappy. Boff went to visit her one day and he said she had this big black eye. He confronted the asshole and the jackass had the nerve to say that he would kill Colleen if Aidan didn't mind his own business. Aidan...he...they fought. The guy pulled a knife, stabbed Aidan in the side and went for Colleen. When I met her years later, she still had the scar on her neck. Aidan fought with him again and the guy fell on his knife...'  
  
Audra couldn't look at his face, she just looked at where Dee had a white-knuckle grip on one of Nick's hands. Most everyone's attention was on her but she saw Arthur glancing over at Deacon curiously, clearing her throat subtly to pull his attention back, looking at her palms.  
  
'He was a minor. They called it justifiable homicide but things were different then. Aidan felt that he was a bad person, a murderer. Roger knew and Da knew...but they didn't know that I knew. I used to think it was because Da was worried about me and he was but I later realised it was because he was also worried what I would think of Aidan.'  
  
(Devil's Backbone - The Civil Wars)  
  
She remembered the phone call when Aidan dropped the bomb on her, she'd just shrugged it off because it was Boff but then spent the next week at the library reading the news articles. The next time they talked, she'd asked him a couple things and that shaped so much of how she was now and how she handled things. If she'd hadn't already been in love with him, things might have been different but somehow she didn't think so.  
  
_'Hey...'_  
_'Hey. So, do you hate me now, Chunk? Are you scared of me?'_  
_'I have some questions...'_  
_'...Yeah?'_  
_'What brought it to that point?'_  
_'He punched Colleen. When I confronted him...he told me to mind my own business or next time he would kill her. I remember punching him and just...I couldn't stop. Colleen pulled me off of him. I had my back to him when he got me on the side with his knife. When I was on the ground he started after her...she has a scar, across her neck where he got her with the knife before I could get up and tackle him. It was an accident that he fell on his knife but I would have...I would have killed him. I'm not a good person, Chunk. I wanted to and I would do it again.'_  
_'You are a good person...you saved your sister.'_  
  
'I told Da that I knew and that it didn't matter to me...that I was in love with him. I thought that it had been obvious but apparently not because Aidan was staring at me with this kind of dumbfounded shock and I had to poke him before he looked at Pop. And that was that it was never brought up by Da again. I need a break. Excuse me.'  
  
She gave Sturges' hand a squeeze before brushing past everyone, running downstairs and closing herself in the bathroom and splashing her face, she wasn't sure why she was surprised when he slipped in. She wanted to smack herself for the words that slipped out.  
  
'Are you okay?'  
  
Deacon leant against the door and pulled his glasses off, pinching the bridge of his nose. When he looked up he just looked lost. Audra reached out, letting out a little breath when he slid his hand into hers. She pulled him to the bedroom, hopping up to sit on the platform bed, pulling him close and just hanging on.  
  
'No, of course, you're not. I'm sorry, I'm stupid.'  
  
'I don't remember.'  
  
'I know...I'll help you remember if you want.'  
  
'Maybe he should have been forgotten...'  
  
'No...Aidan saved his sister, he loved her and she loved him. I have a couple pictures in the safe but not many. She didn't like having her picture taken after that...'  
  
She pushed him back slightly, lifting his shirt and brushing a hand over his side softly.  
  
'Right here, there was a scar. You used to joke about how you got into a knife fight. You never told everyone it was actually true...That's why you started learning how to handle knives. Huh?'  
  
She couldn't hear him as he leant into her, face buried against her neck, mumbling softly. Pushing him back so she could hear him.  
  
'Hm?'  
  
'Scum...I have always been scum.'  
  
'No. You really think I think that? You think I ever have?'  
  
'Hey...you doing okay?'  
  
'Would you call Deacon scum, Nicholas?'  
  
Deacon had tensed when the door opened, relaxing slightly when he realised it was Nick entering the small room but he tensed again when she spoke, turning slightly to look at Nick leaning against the door. Nick looked back and forth between them, trying to figure out what the hell he walked into.  
  
'The Deathclaws...'  
  
Nick visibly relaxed at Deacon's whisper, shaking his head and squeezing the other man's shoulder gently. Audra's eyes darted back and forth between them, she knew they'd gotten close, she hadn't realised they were that close.  
  
'You told him...'  
  
'He's probably the person I trust most after you...never thought I'd trust anyone again. It's all your fault, making me all soft and caring or something.'

'Well, excuuuuse me for loving you and wanting you to be happy.'

Nick sighed and waited till they were done bickering before speaking up again.  
  
'I already told you how I felt about all that, Deacon.' Nick turned and looked at Audra as he clarified, 'I don't agree with his actions but no, I don't think he's scum. I think he's done his penance and as long as he feels remorse and learns and grows. I took out Eddie Winter with full acknowledgement of what I was doing...fear...fear makes people do crazy things. The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.'  
  
(Don't Close Your Eyes - Sam Tinnesz)  
  
'Lovecraft.'  
  
She couldn't help but beam at Nick as Deacon mumbled the name then relaxed against her, then she had to stifle the giggle the moment Deacon realised he was essentially sandwiched between the two of them. He went very still with his face still smooshed against her neck and jumped a little when the door opened and Sturges was there in the doorframe. Nick moved so he was sitting on the bed at her side and then Sturges stepped aside so Robert could peek in, eyes darting around curiously. She couldn't stop the snort when there was a pause and then she heard Arthur's voice behind Robert.  
  
'Audra?'  
  
'Okay, gentlemen. I have had many a fantasy that started out similar to this but I suppose now is not the time or place, we should head back up and continue on. Otherwise, we'll be up all night to finish the tale.'  
  
Grinning as Deacon snorted against her neck, giving her a lil nuzzle before pulling away and slipping his glasses back on. They started shuffling out of the small room and she grabbed Nick by the hand, keeping him there. Pressing a little kiss on Deacon's cheek before he stepped out, turning to Nick and leaning in close.  
  
'Might want to sit near the back in case it gets to be too much for him, that way he can come down here if he needs a break. Please?'  
  
'Of course, doll. How are you?'  
  
She just looked at him with a quirk of her lips and let herself get enveloped in a hug, listening to his coolant flow and leaning up to kiss him tenderly before stepping out, surprised to find Arthur still standing there. Arthur looked at her hand in Nick's but didn't stay anything for a moment. Shaking his head slightly when Nick let go and brushed past him.  
  
'I just had a question...what was that you spoke, the other language?'  
  
'Gaeilge...It's Irish...'  
  
'Do you speak many other languages?'  
  
'I know bits and bobs of several languages. Mostly from reading but Aidan was interested in his heritage at one point and we both learned a bit of Irish. We mostly spoke it to irritate Nate, who could never pick it up. I'm not even sure if I said it correctly, it's been so long. Come on, let's head back up.'  
  
He looked like he wanted to say something else but she just grabbed his hand and pulled him along, looking back at him before letting go, seeing him look at their joined hands the same way he'd looked at her and Nick but when he looked up his face was locked down and she couldn't tell what was going on in his brain.  
Once everyone was situated again, she cleared her throat, smiling faintly.  
  
(Simple and Clean - Perfect Chaos)  
  
'Thank you for your patience...where were we. Oh, yes. Declarations of love. Boff was still kinda out of it and the fact that I had blurted out that I loved him finally registered in my brain, so I retreated to my room overthinking everything. It was a few hours later when I found the note stuck under my door, asking me if I wanted to go on a date...panic didn't quite cover it. I scribbled a hasty response and asked when and he immediately opened his door and asked me if I was ready to go. Heh. I know it didn't matter to him and he said as much but I told him to give me a day and that I would meet him at Eddie's, our usual bar after work the next day. He looked confused but intrigued and I immediately ran and gave Susan a call, asking for help. That night I just ended up lying in Boff's bed while he read the story we hadn't finished yet, listening to him till I fell asleep.'  
  
She smiled at the memory, twirling the ends of her hair around her fingers, looking down at the shorts and Arthur's t-shirt she wore now. This was more her type of regular clothing but every once and a while, she certainly enjoyed getting dressed up. Grinning at Nick and Mac a bit, remembering the skirt and the dresses and then Ellie, remembering the dress she had yet to wear.  
  
'Besides Mrs Spitz, Susan was about the only mostly positive older female influence I had really and she kinda took on the role of acting like a big sister or doling out motherly affection as needed. I told her about the date and we made a plan to meet the next morning. We went through the whole shebang. Hair, nails, makeup, a dress, and new lingerie...I tried running away when she tried to give me the talk but I couldn't bring myself to tell her I wasn't exactly the prim and proper lady she thought I should be. Not that I think she was actually harbouring that delusion, Susan was very intelligent but she came from a family where the lady's role was clearly defined and they were pros at overlooking anything they didn't agree with or couldn't handle. By the end of the day I was more dolled up then I ever had been at that point in my life and I liked it. Growing up with Da and the guys, I was pretty lacking in fashion sense and that was the first time I thought that I could be kinda attractive.'  
  
'Kinda, what the hell you talking about kinda?'  
  
She couldn't help but chuckle, padding over to John and pressing a kiss on his cheek before sitting back down.  
  
'Bless you, John. You do wonders for my ego. You need to understand though that at the time I was an incredibly self-conscious shy fat nineteen-year-old with minimal experience dealing with relationships. One relationship with someone who was verbally abusive and almost physical, then my second relationship with this goddess of dance that made Vera Keyes look homely and was seriously the sweetest thing after Curie.'  
  
She winked at Curie and grinned when the adorable blush stained her cheeks. Chucking before trying to get back on track.  
  
'So, yeah. We got done and Susan gave me a lift to the bar and made me promise that I would tell her how it went the next day. I took a few deep breaths before walking into the bar, my head held high, hiding the complete and utter terror I was feeling.'  
  
Audra couldn't help by shake her head, remembering the fear and the stubbornness that drove her forward into the bar. Eyes locking with Deacon's behind his sunglasses, holding his gaze as she took a few deep breaths, chest heaving and hands shaking. Eyes closing, shaking her hair out as she stood, weaving her way around everyone as she continued.  
  
'This was our regular bar and it was full of everyone from the base, for the most part, so I was no stranger and to have them just turn and stare was...surreal. Aidan's back was to the door, Nate's jaw dropped and Jeff just kept slapping Boff's shoulder till he turned around and looked at me like a deer in headlights. I was a hair away from turning around and running out the door but he snapped out of his surprise and just had the biggest grin. So, I committed to the role and did my best to saunter over, nearly busting out laughing at the claps and wolf whistles but that smile kept me going. I used to be a big chicken but anytime he smiled at me like that, I would have taken on the world.'  
  
She wandered over to the guys, the others having to turn their chairs to see her as she took a seat on Deacon's lap. He played it off with a chuckle, arms wrapping around her waist and chin resting on her shoulder but she could feel his heart pounding against her back. She knew he didn't want the attention but she had to touch him and this at least was probably slightly less suspicious then her staring him down for each reaction. Sturges took a seat on the other side of Nick, slinging an arm over the detective's shoulders and giving him a wink before she started again, trying not to grin like an idiot at the look of surprise on Nick's face.  
  
'That was the first time any of them had seen me in a dress, much less completely dolled up. My hair was dark brown back then and I had my victory rolls with the rest of my hair pinned up. The dress was relatively conservative, sleeves not too short, collar not too low, hitting just below my knees but it was this bright Nuka-Cola red with little white polka dots and it came down into a v at the back just enough that you could see my tattoo between my shoulder blades. Susan didn't like the back but I insisted. I had some red flats and the lipstick and nails to match.'  
  
'Shite, you sounded hot, like those pin ups.'  
  
'Heh, well thank ya Cait. That was the look I was going for and it certainly seemed to make an impression on the guys. Jeff gave me a hug and you gotta understand, he was taller than Preston by a couple inches, so that was a sight. Then it was Nate's turn and he hugged me close and whispered something about me playing nice with Boff's heart. Then there was Aidan...'  
  
Audra bit her lower lip, looking down at the arms around her waist, at a loss for words. It wasn't until Dee gave her a little squeeze that she looked up, blushing brightly, a mischievous glint in her eye. She wrapped her arms over his, rocking a little, acutely aware of every inch pressed against her backside.  
  
(Trouble - Valerie Broussard)  
  
'I leant across him without a word and grabbed his beer, downing the pint in a few swallows. After I finished the beer I grabbed his hand and drug him over to the dance floor. As nervous as I was, I was enjoying the slightly dazed look on his face even more and the cheers we were getting as we danced. I loved dancing with him. They used to dance around the kitchen with me before they left for Anchorage and taught me a bit...so, me being the overachieving nerd that I was, also took several dancing classes while they were away because I was never satisfied with just knowing a little bit. It wasn't until three or four beers and dances later that we even said anything.'  
  
_'Hi!'_  
_Aidan snorted and pulled the pint out of her hand, setting it down on the table and pulling her close._  
_'You look gorgeous.'_  
_She was glad she could pretend the flush of her cheeks was from the beer and not the sudden intense awareness of how husky his voice sounded. Reaching up and pulling him down by his neck, planting a good one on him, laughing when she pulled back and his lips were bright red. Winking and leaving him standing there as she retreated to the restroom to fix her lips._  
  
'I have drunken deep of joy, And I will taste no other wine tonight...heh, we hung out with everyone for a bit before slipping out, hopping into his little jalopy and driving to the boneyard. That kinda ended up being like our spot, the old equipment graveyard. We'd go there when we were wanting alone time when we were upset, but that night...it was...yeahhhhh...'  
  
Everyone had a chuckle as she trailed off, biting her lower lip as she bobbed her head a bit, she could remember it so clearly. His arms around her and his warm breath against her neck just made the memories all that stronger.  
  
(Lust for Life - Lana Del Rey)  
  
_Aidan parked the car, grabbing a radio and leaving it on the hood of the car as they danced on one of the wings of the planes._  
_She wasn't sure when he'd managed to do it but as it started getting into the wee hours, he pulled her into one of the tails of the planes and there was a little nest of blankets and pillows on a mattress. Luckily it was a nice night because the holes in the roof allowed them to lie down and look up at the stars and it was warm enough that she didn't freeze when he started unbuttoning her dress._  
  
'God, we burned hot and fast. It went from deliberately avoiding each other to being attached at the hip. The others teased us but we just didn't care, we were young and in love and we had our whole lives ahead of us.'  
  
There was just the softest of hitches in Dee's breathing and she couldn't stop her own sigh. She couldn't tell if it was because he remembered or because he didn't like where the story was going, knowing the end result. Scrubbing a hand over her face and looking around at the group.  
  
'I'd like to say we were naive but we really really weren't. We'd lived through the crap that life could be at that point, we should have known better. Perhaps we did and just ignored it. My birthday was rapidly approaching and I wanted something other than Eddie's, so we decided to have a barbecue and house party, Da agreeing to spend the night at Roger's so we could have the house to ourselves. The barbecue went fine, that was great, the house party was a lot of fun and it was late as things started winding down and it was just the core group that was still hanging out at the house, all of us fairly ploughed at that point.'  
  
(Pity Party - Melanie Martinez)  
  
'I don't remember why I got up, I had to go to the bathroom or I wanted to grab something...anyways, I wandered down the hall towards our rooms and there were Aidan and Nate...annnddd Nate was pushing him back against the wall and planting a good one on him.'  
  
_'You...you and him...at my party. Is this payback? Were you always just messing with me? Did you ever actually care or has it been one big game for you? Just. Leave. Both of you. GET OUT. GET OUT, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.'_  
_She made everyone leave...she didn't want to deal with anyone. She cried and sat on the floor of the bathroom, looking at the straight razor in her hands. Just a few. What does a promise matter if he never really cared?_  
  
'I was drunk and I admit that made everything worse. I got mad, I was hurting so much. I ended up kicking everyone out, hiding in the bathroom for a long time. I remember hearing someone come back in and I left. I ran away to the boneyard and hid in the plane, crying in the little nest till I fell asleep. I woke up to someone picking me up and I thrashed out, punching Boff right in the face and bloodying his nose. He took me home and made sure I got cleaned up and ate, even when I yelled at him.'  
  
Audra had to clear her throat, blinking back the tears and feeling Dee pressing his forehead against her back, hiding behind her. He went to let go of her waist and she just tightened her arms over his, holding on tight, heart feeling so much better when he immediately held onto her again.  
  
'It was a rough rest of the month, I could tolerate being around them in small doses but anytime I saw them together I just wanted to cry. Da was pissed, Roger was pissed, and the two of them were trying everything to bring me back around and I just was having a hard time. Nate got drunk one night and came to my room and burst out crying, apologizing to me, admitting that he cared for both of us and that he fucked up. He told me about how he'd kissed Boff when they were up at Anchorage and they'd gotten kinda cozy, missing it and not thinking when he was drunk. He was so upset I eventually just let him crawl up into my bed and cuddled until he calmed down and I saw Boff watching from the doorway, sighing and scooting over and the three of us crammed on to my bed and fell asleep and in the morning I made breakfast and things started going back towards normalish.'  
  
They took a quick break and she went and hid in the room again, collecting herself. When she looked up and saw him standing in her doorway like he had maybe millions of times before she just started crying, hiding her face against his neck as he scooped her up, running his fingers through her hair soothingly. They sat like that for a few minutes before pulling herself together and heading back up, this time sitting on the couch smooshed between Dee and Sturges, Nick pacing in the back, Mac standing over with John. She asked if they wanted to stop for food, flushing when everyone told her to keep going.  
  
'School was starting back up and so I had decided that I needed to get back to it, that I would head back at the beginning of August. They were all upset but I needed to finish and I needed some space. Aidan brought me out to the boneyard one night to talk, asking what would become of us and I didn't think I could do it. I knew it hurt him and I almost broke down but the self-doubt had come back full force and I figured he'd be better off without me.'  
  
(Too Close - Alex Clare)  
  
'I went back to Boston and got my apartment situated and my classes lined up, Adrienne was essentially living with me at that point. Her ma was driving her crazy so she took up in my spare room, Nate must have said something to her too because it was like she was extra careful with me...I dunno. I was feeling even more withdrawn and depressed, so even though I had just gotten back to Boston, I decided to fly home for Nate and Da's birthdays since they were both at the end of the month. I didn't tell them and I made Adrienne promise not to say anything. Nate's birthday was on Tuesday and Da's was on Saturday, I called Jeff and had him pick me up and I surprised them at the restaurant where they'd decided to go out Friday night.'  
  
_Jeff went first, like nothing was out of the ordinary, shrugging off the questions about where he'd gone after work. She stood there for a while and just watched them from the entryway. Nate had his arm around Aidan and they were laughing at something and her heart just ached. She missed them so much and she didn't know what to feel. She cared for them both but the minute Aidan looked up and locked eyes with her there was that pounding of her heart again, the way only he could get it going._  
_He ran over and scooped her up, tossing her over his shoulder and dragging her out, dropping her down on Deuce's lap with a laugh, everyone cheering. Deuce planting a big ol' kiss on her cheek, making her blush before Da wrangled her over, giving a hug._  
_It was a fun night and she spent the weekend before flying back but something had changed. She kept finding Nate hanging around, watching her, being extra sweet and it just confused the hell out of her. That was on top of Aodh laying it on thick, she kept finding poems and flowers and after she'd returned to school, found a locket with both their pictures inside of it hidden in her bag._  
  
'I didn't know what I was feeling, I was confused but they'd always meant so much to me. I didn't get to go home again till Christmas, leaving a little bit before winter break so I could be there for Roger's birthday. I babysat lil Max so he and Susan could go out and at one point I was sitting on the floor watching cartoons and holding the squirt when I looked up and my two favourite dorks were standing there just grinning at me. That kept happening, I kept catching them staring at me and the one day when I was helping Da with a project, he saw it and just smirked at me. After they'd left he asked me when I was finally going to put those idiots out of their misery and do something. I don't think he meant it the way my brain decided to take it or maybe he did, it's not like they were fucking subtle about both wanting me...heh...I got the thought of the two of them together with me stuck in my head. I didn't know what they would think of the idea of the three of us dating and that was like something that just wasn't proper, wasn't done but the more I thought about it the more I wondered if that would work, that it was the solution so one person didn't get left out.'  
  
She could feel her cheeks burning, focusing really hard on a spot in the distance, trying desperately not to pay attention to the way Cait was smirking or the arched eyebrow Arthur had or the grin Mac gave Hancock. It didn't help that Sturges had a hand on her lower back and Dee had a hand right above that, wanting to squirm. Rubbing the back of her neck and chuckling.  
  
'Let it never be said I did anything in half measures...So, it was after New Years and I was going to be heading back to school that I decided to make my move, that way if I got royally rejected, I could skulk off to school and lick my wounds. I stuck notes on their doors inviting them to join me at the boneyard after the got off work and I went and waited.'  
  
_She'd brought out Boff's radio, weaving in and out of the planes and trucks, singing softly. It was still a little bit before they were supposed to be off, trying to distract herself from the pounding of her heart and her shaking hands._  
  
_(Young and Beautiful - Lana Del Rey)_  
  
_I've seen the world, done it all  
Had my cake now  
Diamonds, brilliant, in Bel-Air now  
Hot summer nights, mid-July  
When you and I were forever wild  
The crazy days, city lights  
The way you'd play with me like a child_  
  
_Will you still love me  
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?  
Will you still love me  
When I've got nothing but my aching soul?  
I know you will, I know you will  
I know that you will  
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?_  
  
_She was so caught up in singing she didn't hear the car approach, stooping over and picking some of the little wildflowers that were growing, when suddenly she was pushed back against the plane and kissed thoroughly. She was frozen in shock and Aidan smirked at her, running off. It took a moment before she started chasing after him but instead, she ran smack dab into Nate's chest, letting out a little squeak as she was scooped up and holy shit Nate was kissing her. Her hands were full and she groaned and wrapped her legs around him, letting out another squeak when he reached down, holding her up by her bum. Then they turned and she felt Aidan pressing against her back and she got dizzy, whimpering softly when his teeth latched onto her neck._  
  
'Uhhh...so yeah...we...yeah...'  
  
She was bright red and couldn't find the words and then John decided to pipe up.  
  
'Hell, yeah!'  
  
Everyone dissolving into laughter as she tried to cool her burning cheeks, pulling away with a shiver as she felt Sturges' fingers brush against the bare skin of her back as she stood, the smirk on his face and desire in his eyes making it obvious it was intentional. Moving to the bar and grabbing a Nuka-Cola, staying turned away from everyone for a moment, eyes closing as she remembered that wild weekend before she had to go back to Boston.  
  
(Closer - Nine Inch Nails)  
  
_They ended up getting a hotel because they didn't want to run the chance of Pop finding out, it was a blur of sweet kisses that turned into passionate kisses then excited bites. Watching the two of them strip down, pretty sure she was going to catch fire and explode from the hotness. Then watching them kiss, twisting up her insides but for different reasons this time and as soon as Aidan realised what it did to her, he used it to his advantage to torture her. Her and Aidan had enjoyed sex in their time together and neither were particularly prudish but this was like opening the floodgates and they discussed every little fantasy and tried to explore everything._  
  
'We loved with a love that was more than love.'  
  
Turning and grinning at Nick when she saw he recognized the quote, looking around at everyone before her eyes dropped on Arthur teasingly. He squirmed in his seat slightly, uncomfortable with the sudden attention and she could help but take a moment and direct a lil heat that way, giving him a wink and smirking at everyone before continuing.  
  
'The love was there, yes, but also all the passion and stamina of youth. So we made up, thought we were being all stealthy about it, Aidan and I were “dating” officially again but behind closed doors, it was always the three of us. I went back to school but on good terms this time and came back every chance I could get. It was...amazing.'  
  
She couldn't stop the tinge of sadness in her voice, forcing a smile.  
  
'I never knew I could love so much and be loved in return. Everyone knew but the only person that ever said anything was Jeff because he always had to tease us, everyone else just pretended not to notice that Deuce was in our room an awful lot or that he had stopped going on random dates every weekend or that the three of us were often covered in bite marks after I'd come home. I'd sneak on to base if it was a slow day for them and we'd make use of the rarely used supply closet in one of the back buildings. Heh...I...Jesus.'  
  
She couldn't stop the snort that came out, setting her Nuka-Cola down as she coughed after she calmed down she grabbed some sunglasses under the pretence that it was getting bright. Sitting on the table chuckling as she continued.  
  
'Sorry, I just suddenly remembered one of the times we'd snuck off. Most of the NCOs and officers were supposed to be at some meeting or something, so we had a few hours and they asked me to come over for a quicky. Yeah...heh. Well, we're in the supply closet and its pretty dark but there's this little window in the door to let some light in and I'm kneeling in front of them giving them a good time when I happened to glance up and see fucking Roger's face in the window. I stopped what I was doing and my eyes went all wide, his eyes went all wide and he looked panicked and then he was gone. The guys didn't notice cause they were busy kissing at that moment and luckily there was the ring of one of the doorbells for the delivery trucks and they scrambled to get dressed and that gave me the excuse to escape. I could not look Roger in the face for weeks, then one day I was on the base and Nate was trying to convince me to sneak away when I happened to get to the building before he did and what do I fucking find? Roger. In the supply closet with Susan. I nearly fucking laughed out loud and he saw me peeking in and gave a sheepish grin and just went about his business. I found Nate and told him we couldn't go that someone was doing inventory in the building. I saw Roger later and he just locked his face down and I did the same and we never mentioned a fucking thing.'  
  
She was watching Deacon and Arthur behind her glasses, the others chuckling as Arthur looked slightly surprised but fucking Deacon's eyebrows had practically disappeared up into his wig and he was flapping his mouth like a fish. Sturges smirked and tapped his chin to close his mouth, leaning in and whispering something to the other man that had him turning bright red. Grinning and taking a sip of Nuka-cola, smile fading slightly.  
  
'That was a good year, probably one of the best of my life. We had no clue how much things would change the next year.'


	3. There Is Nothing Permanent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audra continues telling her story, Deacon regains a few of his memories.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> This chapter is pretty heavy. Warnings for mentions of death, miscarriage, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy coping mechanisms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOohhhh man. It's been a while. I'm still working on the story, this chapter was just really heavy and was giving me a hard time.
> 
> Once again -  
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> This chapter is pretty heavy. Warnings for mentions of death, miscarriage, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy coping mechanisms.

'The new year came about and there were once again rumblings that everyone was going to have to ship out. The times I went home, there was always this little cloud of desperation over our encounters...we were all afraid about what might happen but no one wanted to voice it.'  
  
Audra sighed, running a hand through her hair. This, this was going to be the hardest part, telling about this part of her life.  
  
'I was back home after passing my bar exam...the exam to officially call me a lawyer. So, we were celebrating and all of that and Aidan, he wanted some alone time. He requested a little bit of leave and when it was granted we decided to up and go somewhere. We ended up going up north for a week, checking out Oregon and then Washington, ending in Seattle before heading back home. That was the most amount of time we'd ever really had alone and we made the most of it. He had to get back and I had to decide what I was going to do. I planned on head back to Boston to wrap things up when we got confirmation that they would be shipping out again towards the end of March. Needless to say, I wasn't in very good shape about it so instead of going back to Boston I stayed at home and spent all the time I could with all of them.  
Da and I went to San Fran so we could ogle all the architecture and just have a nice weekend together. We all went to Vegas the one weekend so Roger and I could play some poker. I helped set Jeff up with Lisa from the bar. And every other moment that wasn't otherwise occupied was with my guys...Aidan tried to break it off at one point, worried about shipping out. This time it was me comforting him and telling him everything would be okay.'  
  
Her voice went rough, clearing her throat as she looked down at her hand. Wondering if he would ever give her ring back or if it was just meant for stories like this, a footnote of her life.  
  
'I remember everyone was out and I had gone to run some errands but Aidan had asked me to meet him at the house and when I got back, he was acting all weird. I was so nervous, I thought he was trying to break up with me again when suddenly he went down on a knee...he was nervous because he thought I was going to say no because I loved Nate more. Then Da came home and caught us making out on the couch again and I showed him my ring and he let it drop that he knew about the three of us. I was so embarrassed and then worried about them shipping out but I was so goddamn happy...'  
  
She choked on the last couple words, waving away Piper when she reached out.  
  
'Let me get through this or I won't be able to finish.'  
  
Audra took a few deep breaths and did her best to detach herself from her emotions and just get through it, staring at the floor, voice soft.  
  
(Kings and Queens - Thirty Seconds To Mars)  
  
'We had a big giant barbecue for our engagement party and just spent the entire day in the backyard, cooking and drinking and playing games. It was very reminiscent of the first barbecue we'd had together. That was the last time all of The Suits were together, that was at the end of March. They flew out right at the beginning of April and I went back to Boston to see about packing up so we could get our own place once they were back.'  
  
She smiled faintly, remembering how excited she was. Adrienne helping her sort through her things, looking at ads for places to rent in Modesto, finding herself distracted and just staring at her ring sometimes. The smile fading as she stared off into the distance.  
  
'On April 13th, 2074 the United States invaded China. During the initial invasion, several of the vertibirds were shot down. It was a few days later when I got the telegram. I got the telegram from Da before I even got the official one. Nate was injured and was in the process of being medically discharged and Aidan...he...Aidan Shaun Davidson was killed in action during the initial push. I...I was alone when I got the telegram, Adrienne found me on the floor a few hours later, my knuckles swollen from beating them on the floor.  
I got a call from Da a few days later, Nate had already been shipped back and they would be home in a few weeks after everything was secure because their unit was non-essential. There was no body that they could find, so they figured we could just have a memorial service. I had to call Colleen and explain and we probably spent three hours on the phone just crying together.  
The next few weeks were a blur.'  
  
Glory looked over at Dee and Audra knew she believed her now...that first time they'd met and gone off to talk, she'd told her the truth but Glory just thought it was a crazy lie ala Deacon, now she believed at least part of it.  
  
(Blurry - Puddle of Mudd)  
  
'I wandered around in a daze, barely sleeping, not eating. Adrienne was there for me until Nate got back, then Da came and got me and brought me back home. He tried, he made the meals and made me shower and stuff like that but he was having a hard time with it too. Boff was his son and he loved him very much. Roger ended up coming and staying at the house, helping with both of us. Roger had a couple rapid fire promotions to cover for those lost and made Captain again so he started getting busier and busier. We had the memorial and I just couldn't deal. My love was dead. Dan was dead. Nate wasn't there, recovering from his injuries. Chris wasn't there, also medically discharged. I couldn't stay in the house, I couldn't go to the boneyard, I couldn't go to Eddie's...everything made me think of him.'  
  
Audra was grateful for the sunglasses, blinking the tears away, wiping her cheeks and looking over to Deacon. He'd gotten up, standing at the back away from prying eyes, right on the edge of the scaffolding and ready to bolt at a moments notice. Glory and Nick were nearby and they were sharing a cigarette, watching him as she gathered herself for the next assault.  
  
'Da went back to work, so I went back to Boston where not everything reminded me of Aidan. I didn't tell anyone I had come back and Adrienne had moved back to her parents to help with Nate. I had a fair amount of money from poker and so I just holed myself up in the apartment for days at a time, only going out when I absolutely needed to get food. I spent most of the month of May in that state. Eventually I got off my ass and drug myself to the doctor after a week straight of vomiting any time I smelled meat.'  
  
She heard a gasp but wasn't sure who it was from, focused on the toe of her boot as she tapped it in time with her heart.  
  
'I thought maybe I'd caught a bug or my depression was kicking my ass, I was bloated, tired, moody. Needless to say, I was more than a bit surprised when the doctor told me I was pregnant.'  
  
(Nothing Is What It Seems - Saosin)  
  
This time there was a clear noise of distress from Curie and she wrapped her arms around her friend when she came over but didn't stop, couldn't stop now.  
  
'I was in a complete state of shock and was just going through the motions as we set up the doctors appointments and scheduled an ultrasound. When I got back to the apartment I just broke down again and I didn't know if I was happy or sad or mad but I cried until I went to sleep and then when I woke up, I set about pulling myself together for the sake of my baby. I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it without Aidan but I was going to damn well try. I cleaned the place, forced myself to eat and drink a bunch of water, went to my doctors appointments. I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't tell anyone. I had called one day to tell Da but he was so upset I didn't want to drop another big shock on him at least until I was a little further along.'  
  
She looked up with a lil smile, not bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes, rubbing small circles on Curie's back as she looked around. Deacon had gone still but she could see the cords in his arms as he clung to the railing tightly.  
  
'At the beginning of June I went to my second ultrasound and the nurse held my hand when she found out I was alone. You...you could see...it wasn't like the first ultrasound. The baby was just a little blob on the screen that first time as the doctor tried to figure out my conception and due date. This time you could see the head and body and little tiny hands and feet and then the baby turned and gave us a good view...it was a little baby girl. She was perfect. I started to think about plans and what I was going to do, figuring I would move back home so that she could be close to her family. It was June 6th...a few days after my ultrasound when I woke up at three in the morning because the bed was wet. I didn't know what it was, finally thinking that maybe I had accidentally wet myself or something, I had to pee a lot more since getting pregnant and I was drinking a ton of water. So, I cleaned up the bed, popped a pad on and went back to sleep.'  
  
Audra let go of Curie for a moment to wrap her arms around her waist, remembering the pain and the fear, trying not to beg him to stay when she saw Deacon head down. Hugging her middle tight and stopping for a moment, simply grabbing the whole bottle of Bobrov's this time and chugging about half before sitting back down.  
  
'I woke up to cramping and pain, I was sobbing and I had to crawl across the floor to get to the phone. It felt like it was forever before the ambulance showed up. Apparently, my water had broken early and I hadn't realized that was what it was. After four hours of painful cramping and labor, I delivered a teeny tiny little girl who was already gone. It was another two hours of pain before the doctor said that the placenta hadn't come out and had to go in and manually removed it. They kept me in the hospital that night and then again the next day and then refused to release me when they deemed me a suicide risk. They moved me to the psych ward and kept an eye on me. I couldn't sleep...I refused to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I dreamt of a little girl with my eyes and his hair.'  
  
(The Morning After - Meg Myers)  
  
She sighed and gathered Curie close again, letting out a little sigh of relief when she saw Deacon standing at the back again, Glory standing shoulder to shoulder with him. He tilted his head at her slightly but she could see he had been crying, the tell-tale flush to his cheeks and the redness on his eyebrows and tip of his nose. He wasn't the only one, almost everyone was sniffling at this point. Curie was sobbing softly into her shoulder, Preston had his arms around Ellie, Elijah was holding his sister's hand tight, Danse was hugging Haylen, John had an arm around a sniffling Robert and even Arthur swiped at his eyes. It was simultaneously painful and comforting at the same time.  
  
'When they wouldn't release me, I finally broke down and called Roger, I told him what had happened and he was there five hours later and took me home. Roger was never as touchy-feely as the other guys but I think he understood...he was a dad... and for the first few nights, I couldn't fall asleep unless he was holding me on his lap or he was sitting on the bed and holding my hand. He wouldn't leave me alone at all, even when I showered he would sit there with his back to the tub and talk to me the whole time. When I would nap he would cook and clean...I wouldn't have made it without him there...I don't know how he got all that leave off but it was two weeks after that Da showed up at my door and started yelling at us. Apparently, Susan was under the impression that Rog and I were having an affair and she called Da to yell at him, so then he hopped on a plane and came to yell at us. I couldn't take it. I walked out while Rog took the brunt of the yelling. There was this little bar down by Andrew Station that I used to always go to, it was popular with the local lawyers and detectives and I used to always go and study there or play poker on the weekends, so I was friendly with the owner, who also happened to be the bartender. I think he knew something was up and eventually got it out of me what had happened, he'd let me drink until I was good and numb and then he would let me sleep it off in the office. It was two days after that that he convinced me to go home and check in, probably didn't help that I hadn't showered. I walked in the door and Da just scooped me up and held me while I lost it again. They packed me up and we were on our way home the next day.'  
  
She let out a long sigh and scrubbed at her face, downing the rest of the bottle and letting go of Curie to light a fresh cigarette, sitting on one of the chairs and pulling her knees to her chest. Sturges came over and she let her head fall against his arm when he rested a hand on her shoulder. She gave herself and everyone a moment to breathe before starting again.  
  
'I was home for a few weeks. Susan was never the same towards me after that, I don't think she believed us when we said that nothing happened but Rog talked to her and she was at least civil. I eventually told Da that I had to go back to Boston, being at the house was too painful and I needed to figure out things for myself. I know he didn't want me to go and I didn't want to leave him but I also didn't want him to see me falling apart constantly. So, back I came. I vaguely remember getting stupid drunk on my birthday and waking up to find the apartment trashed. I couldn't remember what had happened and as far as I was concerned, that was fine with me.'  
  
(Every Day Is Exactly The Same - Nine Inch Nails)  
  
'For months I just drank and played poker, sleeping during the day and staying up all night. I made myself talk to Da and Roger, convince them that I was doing okay, looking for work and whatnot. By the beginning of November I was so numb I had convinced myself that I was alone and that I would never be happy again. I spent a couple days trying to pull myself out of it but I just felt like I was fading away. There was this little waterfront park by Ticonderoga, heh...it's filled with mirelurks now but at the time there were several tables and benches. I sat there on one of the benches until I was nearly frozen through, just looking at the water, thinking...I'm sorry...I can't...I can't...'  
  
She pulled away from Sturges and ran into the house, Deacon found her sitting on the floor of the room that Sturges had made for Shaun, hugging the tattered teddy bear that had somehow survived. She couldn't form words, sobbing into the bear like her first day out of the vault. She flinched when he first touched her shoulder before relaxing into his arms, she was exhausted from all the crying and she hated herself for not being able to stop and there was still more to tell. She wasn't sure how long they sat there but it was slowly starting to get dark, so when the finally went out they took the time light the lanterns and plug in the string lights hanging all about, basking the rooftop in a soft glow as the sky was painted with shades of red and orange before fading into violets and indigos. She let out a soft sigh when John came over and enveloped her in a warm hug, leaning into him. Pulling away reluctantly and moving back to the couch, wedged between Mac and Nick this time, Deacon taking a chair off to the side where she could see him with Sturges at his side .  
  
(My Love Took Me Down To The River To Silence Me - Little Green Cars)  
  
'I had just about convinced myself that the best course of action was to get it over with and fling myself into the river and just be done with it all. I stood up and walked towards the wall when I heard someone call my name, turning, confused. There he was, it had felt like it had been ages...lifetimes...since I last saw him. His poor face, there was a big jagged scar across the one cheek and he was walking with a cane but it was still my handsome Nate. His smile was a little strained but he came over and just scooped me up and it didn't feel quite so hopeless in his arms. He mentioned how he had been down and decided to go for a walk when he saw me but we didn't delve into the obvious topics. Instead, we just chitchatted about random stuff, agreeing to meet up again the next day. We did that again the next day and the day after that and the day after that until we were together pretty much every day. We never talked about what had happened before and we never really did anything beyond cuddling. I think we were both just trying to pull ourselves back together and needed that human touch.'  
  
Audra laced her fingers with Mac's and tucked herself under Nick's arm, drawing that strength from their touch. Her voice was rough again, throaty and clouded with emotion. Everyone was watching her closely, obviously worried about what would happen next and she had to resist the urge to just start laughing uncontrollably at how utterly fucking depressing her life was.  
  
'Nate's mom was how she always was and tried to dictate what and when he needed to do things. He always had to be home for dinner and she was constantly setting him up on dates with all the best Boston socialites. Adrienne must have given him her key because after a few weeks I stared waking up to find him there in the middle of the night, clinging to me and mumbling about nightmares. Adrienne was busy with a charity organisation and Lily was busy planning her wedding so I started taking Nate to physical therapy and his doctors appointments. We both flew back home the week before Christmas then Nate went back to Boston for Christmas day and I went back a few days after that so we could spend New Year's Eve together. Da and Rog wanted us to stay but I also think they were happy that Nate and I were supporting each other. New Year's Eve we both got smashed and talked about Aidan and everything for the first time, there was a lot of tears and more drinks and we just let it all out.'  
  
She couldn't help but grin and chuckle a little, remembering how miserable they were the next morning. She went to start again but there was a little hitch in her breath and it was like the weight of everything in the day slapped her in the face leaving her emotionally exhausted, taking a moment to look around at everyone.  
  
'I know I said I wanted to try to get it done tonight but I'm...I'm beat, my brain and heart hurt and I need a break. I'd like to finish tomorrow, I'll understand if you can't stay. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for listening...'  
  
Instantly, Ellie and Preston were there asking if she needed anything and what they could do, smiling softly and waving a hand as the others wandered over. She was surprised by all the hugs and the assurances that everyone would stay, especially when Arthur said that they would be staying, looking down at her with a serious face. Everyone made small talk and she encouraged everyone to eat and drink and be social, slipping away in the hubbub.  
Audra didn't really know where she was going but she just wanted space, everything felt too close and crowded. Eventually finding herself at the trailer, crawling onto the small bed and hugging a pillow to her chest. Her head was throbbing from all the crying and she just felt empty, she jumped a little when the door opened but wasn't surprised to see him there. Scooting over so Deacon could crawl into bed with her, crowded on the small bed. Eventually rolling so she was lying over him with him stretched out corner to corner, feet resting on the trunk by the bed.  
  
(Whatever You Do - Brandi Carlile)  
  
He didn't say anything and she just lay there with her chin on his chest, pulling his glasses off and tracing her fingers over his face lightly. How could it be so very different and so achingly recognizable at the same time? She took her time relearning each little bit of this face, Deacon's face, as he watched her closely. His eyes were guarded, more than they usually were but she was too scared to ask what was going through his head. Letting out a little moan when he caught her lips with his.  
She could feel the slight stubble on his chin and the dryness of his lips, the way his heart was pounding underneath her palm and the shuddering breath he took before deepening the kiss. The fabric of his shirt smelled and the taste of his tongue was ashen from the cigarettes he'd had but underneath that was something that was all him and so very very familiar. They kissed until they had to pull apart, gasping for air and she realised both their cheeks were damp with tears, reaching up and brushing his away tenderly before resting her head on his chest tiredly.  
  
Her eyes were so heavy, the sound of his heart pounding lulling her into sleep, whispering softly before letting sleep take her.  
  
'I was going to name her Mckenna...beloved of Aodh.'  
  
-  
  
Deacon was grateful she'd fallen asleep and couldn't see the stricken look on his face. He knew that something had happened from the memorial plaque with the ultrasound picture in the frame he saw that night but he hadn't been able to bring himself to ask. He still had the one ultrasound picture tucked away in his book along with the picture of her and the one of all of them in the back yard. Sighing softly and kissing her forehead as he turned to the side slightly, getting comfortable as he reviewed the day.  
  
He'd remembered more as she told her side of things, things that had been long forgotten coming back with such force. He should have asked her for the bracelet or worn his suit and stayed hidden the entire time. He wasn't able to keep the emotions at bay and while it was nice that the others were so supportive, it had drawn far too much attention and now Glory knew for sure and Maxson had kept giving him curious looks throughout.  
  
He couldn't help but grin ruefully, kissing her forehead again as he thought on the memories once again, he was a fool to think he could have ever stuck around and resisted her.  
  
(Work Shoes - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker)  
  
_He couldn't believe she'd said she loved him and then she said yes to a date. He wasn't sure what she was up to but he hadn't been this excited for a date...well, ever. It didn't help that he still smelled like her, the making out had been nice but falling asleep and waking up with her still curled up in his bed this morning..._ _He wanted more, he wanted that all the time. She looked ridiculously adorable snoring softly, drooling on his pillow and whining when he climbed out of bed, rolling into the warm spot he'd left behind._  
  
_I mean, this was Chunk, who had always been there and..._  
  
_'Hey, IDIOT, pay attention. You're going to get yourself killed, man. What is up with you today? You've been out of it all day.'_  
  
_Aidan jumped and turned as Jeff came over, setting aside the soldering iron that had nearly tipped over onto his lap while he'd been daydreaming. He flushed and rubbed the back of his neck before trying to make it look like he was just adjusting the collar on his BDUs._  
  
_'Uh...I got a date tonight, been thinking about it...'_  
  
_'A date? Good on ya, man. Who with, anyone I know?'_  
  
_He coughed and mumbled her name, flushing again when Jeff just blinked at him._  
  
_'Huh?'_  
  
_'Chunk. I have a date with Chunk.'_  
  
_'Chunk...OUR Chunk? Audra Platner? Are you fucking nuts? Pop is going to kill you.'_  
  
_'He...uhh...he already knows and talked to me about it. We're cool.'_  
  
_Jeff didn't look like he really believed him but didn't bring it up again, instead just clapping him on the shoulder with a chuckle, both of them taking a seat on the workbench trying to keep an eye out for Gov._  
  
_'Well then he already gave you the run down I'm guessing but I'll say it too, you hurt our Chunk then you know you're gonna be in a world of pain from all of us.'_  
  
_'From you? What the hell you talking about from you? She's the one I'm scared of.'_  
  
_'Smart man. I'm happy for you bro, you two have been dancing around each other since we got back...what? Don't give me that look. The minute you and Deuce stepped off the plane and saw her ya both looked like you'd been smacked by one of the supply trucks. Even my dumb ass could see where that was heading.'_  
  
He wasn't sure if anyone had actually realised where things were going to go, he certainly hadn't. Rubbing his forehead a little, wondering what had ever happened to Jeff. He couldn't remember too much but thinking of the name was a good feeling, solid, trustworthy. Vaguely remembering Audra mentioning something about how he ended up marrying Lisa. He chuckled and had to bite his lip and rub small circles on Chunk's back when she stirred slightly, remembering the looks on all their faces that night when she'd walked into the bar.  
  
(Shape of You - Ed Sheeran)  
  
_He was beginning to wonder if something had happened or if she was going to stand him up, sighing, Jeff giving him a look. Jeff was the only one that knew his date was Chunk, the rest of the guys just knew he was meeting someone there at Eddie's. He felt kinda guilty for not having told Nate but he hadn't thought of it till just then and he really wasn't sure how his friend would react after their previous encounter over Chunk._  
_Aidan was just about ready to get up and head home to make sure everything was okay when suddenly there was a stunned look on Nate's face and Jeff was smacking his shoulder repeatedly, he was about to say something but turned and every damn thought flew out of his head when his eyes landed on her._  
  
_She was fucking stunning._  
  
_The red set off the dark color of her hair and eyes against that pale skin. Then she started sauntering over and his mouth went dry, those hips and sinful ass doing wonderful things in that dress. When she pulled him over to dance after downing his beer he couldn't help but press tight to her,_ _she kept bending at the waist_ _a bit,_ _rubbing back against_ _him and driving him mad. He_ _had the thought that he would have been happy to stay there and dance forever_ _but after a bit she turned those eyes on him and he'd never wanted anyone more than he wanted her._  
  
He couldn't remember everything, there were still spots that were fuzzy. Another memory came back and was just a vision of her over him, naked with the stars behind her, writhing above him and Deacon flushed when he became achingly hard. He went very still and had to bite back a moan when Audra squirmed over him, whining softly and tilting her head up for a kiss. She always hated waking up and Deacon vaguely remembered many a morning, waking her with a kiss and maybe a bit more if they had the time. Hesitating but kissing her softly, trying not to buck against her before she settled back down against his chest and drifted back to sleep.  
  
(Do I Wanna Know? - Arctic Monkeys)  
  
It was beautiful torture lying there under her, slowly calming down once again. There were flashes of them together and then he remembered what she said happened next, closing his eyes but not remembering her birthday really. Instead it was after that that he remembered. Talking with her before she left, feeling like his heart was breaking. Going home upset and drunk, Nate coming into his room and sitting with him as they drank and talked about missing her. Nate getting all emotional and blaming himself again, comforting the other man. He told himself that he would do nearly anything to get her back, deciding that next time she was back he would woo her. Telling Nate his plan and getting the other man to promise to help show her she was everything.  
  
Remembering he and Nate just being smitten and treating her like a queen when she came back, then back to missing her desperately when she was gone. Doubting himself, wondering if she would come back to see them. Christmas coming around and the New Year...then remembering how she invited them to the boneyard...  
  
_Looking at the note he had in his hand and then the one Nate had in his hand, eyes going wide._  
  
_'Do you think that means...?'_  
  
_'Well, it's either that or she's going to tell both of us to fuck off. Come on, let's go see.'_  
  
_Aidan clapped the other man on the shoulder and they jumped into his little junker. Deuce had been very down and negative since she had last left, never letting her see, but he could tell his friend was expecting the worst. Parking the car and impulsively leaning over and giving his friend a quick peck._  
_He left the other man there in the car, still just sitting there in shock and started wandering through the ruins, following her sweet voice. When he rounded around one and saw her bent over picking flowers, his heart dropped into his stomach so he just pushed the nerves aside and scooped her up, pressing her back against the plane and kissing her deeply._  
  
_He made some kind of sound that was part whine-part growl, she tasted so damn good, setting her on the ground gently. He couldn't help but smirk at the slightly dazed look on her face, turning and moving to go grab Nate. He must have just missed him, getting to the car and finding it empty, turning back and trying not to groan when he saw Nate kissing her. She looked like she was certainly enjoying it, so he took the chance and came up pressing against her back. Letting her feel what watching them was doing to him, kissing and biting at her neck where he could reach, arms wrapping around caressing both of them._  
  
Chunk let out a little snort and he flushed, having gotten lost in the memory, looking down as she blinked up at him owlishly. He couldn't stop the low groan this time as she moved so her legs were spread over him, rocking her hips teasingly. Her voice was rough from sleep and all the crying but it still made him ache to listen to her.  
  
'And what are you thinking about that keeps getting you so excited?'  
  
Audra smirked and yawned before shaking her head, hair floating around them before she arched up with a soft moan of her own, hips giving another little sway. She sat up and he saw the flash of the memory of their first time...so much the same but so different.  
She was giving him a look that made him wonder if she was reading his mind or something or if she was just thinking the same thing, leaning down and cupping a cheek before pressing her lips on him. Threading a hand in her hair and kissing roughly, trying to ignore her squirming. She was so warm, just a line of heat against his chest and hot tongue teasing at his. Blinking up at her this time when she pulled back.  
  
'No pressure...but would you like a hand...or a mouth?'  
  
'Damn it, Chunk.'  
  
He couldn't stop the little whine, throbbing painfully at the mental image and all he could feel for a moment was the burning lust. Her lips were swollen and red from his arduous kissing and when she flicked her tongue over her lower lip, that was it.  
  
(Sexual Hallucination - In This Moment feat Brent Smith)  
  
He yanked her shirt and sports bra off so that she was topless above him, leaning in and biting at a nipple, enjoying the gasp that it drew out of her. Groaning as he slid a hand into her shorts and felt how damn wet she was for him. Deacon circled two fingers around her clit grinning manically when it made her hips jerk and pulled a whine from her.  
  
So long. It had been so fucking long.  
  
He was about to flip her over and rip her shorts off when she backed away, making him cry out in protest. He raised an eyebrow and was trying to form words but then her hands were on his jeans pulling them off and her lips were wrapping around him and his vision went white as he bucked up into her mouth.  
  
He wasn't going to last and she was looking up at him like she knew it, pressing his hips down onto the bed as she took him deep, amazed at her strength. She knew exactly what he needed to drive him crazy, swallowing around him so her throat contracted before pulling back, tongue swirling around the head as she started pumping a hand up and down.  
Deacon grabbed her hair, groaning and thrusting against her grip, shuddering when he felt it building. He tried pulling her up, growling slightly when she resisted him, eyes catching hers. There was something there, a challenge but something else...she looked pained. Going still enough that she stopped, about to ask him what was up when he caressed her cheek softly.  
  
'We don't have to...'  
  
'Please, Dee...I want to. With you...here, now...not just memories.'  
  
He nodded a little and let her go, unable to speak for fear he'd get all choked up, gasping when she started teasing him back to life again. Trying to move so he could roll over her, looking at her again when she resisted.  
  
'Not...not that yet, please? If...if I make it back, I'd like an actual date with you...Deacon. And then...'  
  
'When. Not if.'  
  
They looked at each other seriously and he pulled her down against his chest, holding onto her tight, trying not to think of her never coming back. Arching an eyebrow when she snorted and pressed her forehead against his.  
  
'Sorry to kill the mood.'  
  
'It's okay, you can do this and then you'll be back...'  
  
Even he wouldn't believe him, standing up and pulling his pants back up as she grabbed her shirt, trying not to beg her once again to stay. Grabbing a tin of water before making her scoot back over so he could lie down. They eventually ended up with his back against the wall, curled up slightly with her pressed back against him, using his arm as a pillow.  
It took a while for her to drift back off, while he still clung to consciousness, sighing softly and tightening his arms around her. Suddenly wanting to cry, he almost slipped out from under her and ran away when another memory came back to him, making the breath catch in his throat.  
  
(On the Road - Angus and Julia Stone)  
  
_It had been a rough week but he couldn't help but smile a bit, thinking about her. She was at home, safe, and wearing his ring._  
  
_They were going to get married._  
  
_There must have been some kind of look on his face because Deuce crossed the cargo plane to come sit next to him, bumping shoulders._  
  
_'What's that look for?'_  
  
_'I still can't believe she said yes...'_  
  
_'Tell me about it, I mean why would she want you when she could have all of this?'_  
  
_Nathan motioned to himself and Aidan snorted, just barely stopping himself from leaning over and kissing the other man. Coughing awkwardly and sitting back. Nate smirked a little like he knew what he'd been about to do. Most of the team knew but they were still on duty and wouldn't do that to Gov._  
  
_'She was so upset when we left...'_  
  
_'I know, hey...it's going to be okay.'_  
  
_Nate leant into his side, risking that little bit of contact, the pair of them falling silent. Nate eventually drifted off and Aidan envied his ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere, shifting so the other man was leaning against his shoulder as he pulled his notebook out and set himself up to write Chunk a letter. They were only about three hours into their flight and he was already missing her, drifting off into a daydream about what kind of wedding they would have._  
  
_-_  
  
_Shit, shit, shit, shit._  
  
_Aidan screamed as they fell, the sounds of explosions all around them, watching as another vertibird was taken down by missile fire. Luckily, they'd already suited up when it had all started, seeing a couple people make decent landings in their power armor. He wasn't as lucky, crying out in pain as he landed on his side hard, the alarms going off telling him he'd suffered from internal damage. Screaming again when the automatic stim system they'd installed jabbed him in his torso._  
  
_He wasn't 100% but it was better than being dead, fighting with the fucking suit, trying to roll over so he could get up. Taking the offered hand when he saw Pop come into view, his father's power armour groaning with the effort of pulling him up. They stood there for a breath before jogging towards one of the downed vertibirds, ground shaking with their every step._  
  
_(Forever Fields [Sowing Season] - 10 Years)_  
  
_It wasn't supposed to be this way, they were just supposed to be support, they were just supposed to clear out the base after the first push. Something had gone wrong, someone had tipped them off and they weren't prepared for the attack. His head was still ringing from the fall and all he could hear through his helmet was static from all the explosions going off around them. They pulled Roger out from where his leg was trapped, scrambling around trying to find Nathan._  
_He let out a little sigh of relief when they found him pinned under the door but looking otherwise unharmed, lifting the debris off of him._  
_They turned and started rushing for another vertibird when he heard the banging, turning around and seeing someone from one of the other vertibirds, down on his side...he couldn't remember the other man's name, just that it started with a J, moving to help pull him up.  
_  
_They never saw the explosion coming and the last thing he could remember was thinking about Audra as he felt the suit heating up, slowly cooking him from outside before his vision went black._  
  
Deacon woke with a start, gasping for air as the dream slowly drifted away, just remembering burning. He wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep and it was dark in the trailer but he could see the soft light of what must have been sunrise coming through the door around her frame.  
He sat up, the sunrise tinting her hair a soft pink, stiffening when he realised she had one of her knives in hand. Moving to get up, startling her from whatever she had been looking at, moving behind her and looking out the door but not seeing anything.  
  
'I heard something...you were sleeping. They still want to hurt you, please be safe while I'm gone?'  
  
He looked down at her and wondered how much sleep she'd gotten after he'd fallen asleep. She looked tense and tired, pulling her back into the trailer and closing the door, brushing a thumb over her cheek softly. She flinched and that was infinitely more painful than the worry for tomorrow that was tying his stomach in knots.  
He must have made a face because she softened and leaned into him as he sat on the arm of the couch. He didn't know what was going to happen in the next couple of days but there was something he'd begun to realise, even if Aidan never fully came back...even if he was Deacon, the liar...he didn't think he could ever live without her in his life again, like he once thought that he could but he was wrong.  
  
They stood there a while before she huffed softly, leaning up and kissing him deeply.  
  
'I suppose we should head down, they're probably worried and I need to finish this. A shower wouldn't hurt either.'  
  
'Audra...'  
  
'Come on, Dee.'  
  
She laced her hand with his and he could feel the ring Sturges gave her on her hand, looking down at it before checking his pocket to make sure the other ring was there. Fingers playing with his own ring, trailing after her as she drug him down towards Red Rocket.  
Audra let go of his hand and went to Sturges when he came out of the garage, standing there, wondering once again if it had been a mistake to stick around. Sturges was the one that should have been there for her, the one that hadn't hurt her again and again...but here he was, always drawn to her.  
  
(The High Road - Three Days Grace)  
  
'Whatever you're thinking, it's probably not correct and ya know she loves you.'  
  
He jerked a little realising he was just standing there in the road, staring at Sturges, looking around trying to figure out where Audra had gone. The other man looking at him, concerned, dragging him into the garage.  
  
'She went to shower, it's all good man. She was just worried because she thought they might be coming for you again. She still gets worried after those two that said they would go for you. Hey, hey, hey...it's okay.'  
  
Deacon found himself being pulled into the other mans arms and flushed but leant into the shorter man, biting back the choked noise that threatened to come out. Sturges smelt like grease and metal, like he'd already been working this morning but he was warm and comforting and he found himself relaxing bit by bit.  
  
'Will she be safe...going into that thing?'  
  
'I don't know for sure but I did what I could...that's all we can do, man.'  
  
Deacon just nodded and flushed in surprise when Sturges pressed a soft kiss on him, a strong hand holding the back of his neck as the mechanic nipped at his lower lip. Sturges pulled back with a little smirk, leaving him standing there in surprise, the other man chuckling as he let go and started working at the workbench once again.  
  
'Been wanting to try that for a while, hope that was okay? There's breakfast in the house and you might as well go get cleaned up, as well, she's going to want to get started after everyone is up and ready.'  
  
Deacon nodded again, at a loss for words as he wandered in just in time to catch Chunk stepping out of the bathroom, wet and just barely covered in a towel. Stopping when she saw him.  
  
'Everything okay there, Dee?'  
  
'Sturges kissed me...'  
  
'About time, he's been wanting to do that for a while, was that okay?'  
  
He just blinked at her and the contrast to what she described had happened when Nate had kissed Aidan, just nodding a bit. Smacking back the surge of desire when she came over and kissed him, licking his lower lip like she was trying to taste her lover's lips on him, flushing at the sound of Nick clearing his throat. Audra just raised an eyebrow and padded over, giving Nick an equally deep kiss, making the synth grunt softly.  
  
'Best be getting dressed, people are getting up.'  
  
'Mmmm, I suppose.'  
  
They turned their heads when she winked at someone, seeing a stunned Maxson standing in the doorway, holding a coffee cup. Audra went into her small room, ass bouncing magnificently as she stepped and it was like they all let out the breath they were holding, Nick snapping out of it first.  
  
'You'd best be getting cleaned up too, I recommend a cold shower. God knows I wish I could have one.'  
  
Deacon couldn't stop the little snort, watching as Nick shook out a cigarette from his pack and went to the garage, leaving him and Maxson standing there in awkward silence.  
  
'I...uh...I don't remember why I came over here.'  
  
Maxson flushed and turned and wandered away, actually looking like the 20-year-old that Deacon knew he was for once. Laughing to himself as he went to the bathroom and took Nick's suggestion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Audra and Deacon! I posted it up on my Tumblr [HERE](https://iknaq.tumblr.com/post/171959006074/audra-and-deacon-the-progression), I've been working on my drawing some more, so here's one of these two dorks.


	4. Where You Stop Your Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audra tells them about the rocky start to her relationship with Nate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrrrrrggghhh. I am so sorry I have been slow with the updates, I have been trying really really hard, inspiration just hasn't been there...BUT...I was able to get some writing done today, not quite as long as other chapters but I'm thinking I might try shorter more frequent updates and see if that works. We are almost done with the back story stuff.

'Let's see where were we...ah, yes drunken confessions. We were so ridiculously hung over that next morning, we hadn't even made it to the bed, I was passed out on the couch and Nate was on the floor. We tried to piece together what had happened at the end of the night, we both remembered finally talking about Aidan and letting ourselves cry but then I remembered that I had not told him about the baby...I didn't want to tell him, I didn't want him treating me like the fragile broken mess everyone else had been.'  
  
Audra sighed and smiled faintly at the collected group, still sipping on their morning coffee and blinking blearily. Laughing a little when she started thinking about coffee.  
  
(No Sugar In My Coffee - Caught A Ghost)  
  
'If you know me, you probably know of my love of coffee...and my fondness for being a brat sometimes...' There were a couple chuckles and she grinned, 'So, when Nate told me to go get us some coffee I kinda snapped back at him, talking about how I was not one of his little fucking pet girlfriends that his mother set him up with and that if he wanted coffee he could damn well get up off his ass and get it himself or go running to one of them. I softened the blow a little by telling him that if he grabbed me some coffee, as well that I would make breakfast. So, he ran down to the corner store and got us coffee while I made some eggs. Nate later told me that that was when he was certain he was completely in love with me and that he could never ever be happy with any of the women his mother tried setting him up with.'  
  
She heard a soft chuckle come from the add-on, eyes narrowing and catching the glimmer of the stealth suit in an open window.  
  
_So, that's where he is, hiding in Shaun's room._  
  
Dee had made some kind of excuse after his shower, saying that he had to do something, but Audra saw the collar of the suit peeking out from under his flannel. Trying to figure out what he was up to or if he actually had a tourist to meet up with.  
  
She turned her eyes back to the group and saw Nick and Julian both glance at the window, luckily no one else had noticed. Waving a hand and rolling her eyes.  
  
'Let's just say Nate's mom was once again less than pleased when he told them we were officially dating. Adrienne and Lily were totally fine with it and honestly I don't think anything would have phased Mr Roberts, he'd learned how to roll with the punches being married to Margaret for so long. She kept trying to set Nate up on dates which he would cancel and when she didn't take the hint he started bringing me along to all the dates.'  
  
She couldn't help but smirk a little when Piper laughed loudly, eyes darting back and forth when Paladin Danse glanced over at her and grinned slightly.  
  
'That's actually how we became friends with one couple, she was relieved when I came along because she was in love with someone else, so Nate would let his mother schedule dates with her then me and her boyfriend would tag along and we just had a bunch of double dates. He was actually the one that introduced Nate to his friend James and got him the job with Veteran Affairs.'  
  
She closed her eyes and tried to remember that spring - one or two nights a week hanging out with Warren and Eliza, otherwise she would often bring work home while Nate cooked and then they would just curl up on the couch and watch TV or listen to the Silver Shroud before bed. They didn't have nearly the amount of sex that they had before, Nate's hip and leg would pain him so much sometimes he would barely sleep and she still worried about sleeping at times, not wanting to dream about all that was lost. Opening her eyes and feeling the tears well up, giving them a watery smile before continuing.  
  
(repetition - Purity Ring)  
  
'Of course, there were problems, we were both damaged at that point and still trying to recover. We fought a lot. Nate would go through bouts where he didn't believe that I actually loved him, then I would get upset when I felt like he wasn't there for me.  
But for a while we were happy, we started pulling ourselves together and living a relatively normal life. I was working with a smaller law firm to get experience, Nate started going to Veteran Affairs a few days a week volunteering and kept going to physical therapy. I...I still hadn't told Nate about the baby and after the anniversary of Aidan's death we got into this huge fight and ended up breaking up. He thought I was hiding an affair or something when I was having a hard time talking to him and I just wanted to curl up and disappear, figuring he would be better off without me.'  
  
Audra stopped and lit a cigarette, sighing softly and looking at the smoke coming off the end. It was a good thing she healed because the amount she'd smoked in the last few days alone would probably have damaged a regular person. Flicking the ash off the end and letting out her breath in a whoosh.  
  
'You ever look back on something and just think about how fucking stupid you were? I had Nate, I had a job, I had friends, I had family...but my anxiety kept telling me I was alone. I know it wasn't my fault and I didn't have control over it but I just get mad at myself thinking about all that missed time. It was a few weeks after we broke up that Adrienne came over all mad at me and Nate, yelling at me to stop being stupid and do something cause her boneheaded brother loved me. I remember she left and I just cried until I fell asleep and I woke up to him carrying me to bed and it reminded me so much of Aidan that I completely broke down and just lost my shit.'  
  
She tensed up when she felt the hand, jumping when she realised it was Arthur that had reached out and grabbed her hand, looking at her concerned. Blinking and looking around, wondering how long she stalled out for. Giving his hand a squeeze and flushing slightly.  
  
(Criminal - Fiona Apple)  
  
'Sorry, got lost again. I made him put me down and I just started yelling at him to get out, all I could think about was how Boff carrying me to bed had started it all. He packed up some of his stuff and left me there in the apartment alone. I must have freaked him out because Adrienne was back half an hour later and I just bawled against her for hours. I told her everything and I just remember her crying with me and holding me then waking up the next morning. She was so soft and sweet with me I just felt like the worst person for yelling at Nate, worrying about how I ruined everything. I made her promise not to tell him until I could talk with him but that I needed a little space to get my head back on. I called and quit my job telling them I had a family emergency, packed a bag and hopped on a plane and went home.'  
  
She gave Arthur's hand another squeeze before letting go, blushing harder and turning away so they couldn't see her red face, only turning back around when she felt Sturges come up beside her. Everyone else faded into the background for a moment as Audra reached up caressing his cheek softly, fingers trailing down and brushing over the wedding bands before pulling her hand back, feeling her heart pounding too hard in her chest. Sighing and starting again softly.  
  
'I went home and forced myself to stay in Aidan's room and go to the boneyard and go to Eddie's. They were together at that point but Jeff spent a lot of time with me while Lisa was at work and in the evening we would all hang out at the house with Da and Rog. I had been there for a week when Nate called the house to make sure I was okay and I knew I had to go talk with him.'  
  
(Starfire - Caitlyn Smith)  
  
_'_ I called Nate back and told him that I would be back the following week and I let Da and Rog know my plan. I was so tired and so worried about what Nate's reaction was going to be that I just went to bed early that night, stressing and trying to figure out what I was going to say. Needless to say when I woke up to Nate curled around me I was pretty shocked. He'd flown out pretty much immediately after I spoke with him and had Jeff pick him up and drop him off at the house and passed out in bed with me for a few hours. He held me as I just told him everything...the baby, what happened, how I was afterwards. He got mad at me but it wasn't over everything, he was mad that he hadn't been there to support me. I cried a bunch and he left to go clear his head, I found him a few hours later at the boneyard and he just scooped me up and pulled me in his lap and asked me to marry him. He was stuttering, it was so unlike his usual confident demeanour, I grabbed his hand for support, shocked but pleased when he asked if I could love him and put up with him. I told him forever and I meant it. Da and Rog were happy for us...'  
  
Audra couldn't stop the little snort that came out, glancing up at the window like she was lost in though, smirking and shuffling her feet.  
  
'To this day I still have a hard time believing how Nate decided to tell his mother. We got back to the house and he decided we would stay home for a while so that I had everyone around for support. He called his mother, telling her that he would be staying in California for a while and when she screeched asking if he was staying with “that little bitch” he yelled at her for being so judgmental and told her that he loved me and that I was good for him and her opinion didn't matter, that we were getting married and she could just shut up and deal with it or we would just stay on the west coast. Of course, she huffed and puffed and told him that that was no way to speak with his mother but that was the first time he ever really stood up to her besides when he joined the Army and I think it just put her into shock. He was sooooo mad. I eventually convinced him that we would go back and give her a chance because I knew it upset him and I knew he would miss his sisters and dad, so I was more than willing to deal with Margaret's attitude if it made him happy.'  
  
She grinned when she heard the thump and something that sounded like muffled laughter, ducking her head and leaning into Sturges' side with a little sigh of happiness when he slung an arm around her.  
  
_If only I could just take Sturges or Nick everywhere and have them hold me like this, maybe I'd be a little bit calmer most of the time._  
  
'So, yeah. We went back to Boston after almost three months and I started looking for work and talking with my soon to be sisters about the wedding when one day while Nate was at the VA there was a knock on the door and Margaret came storming in. She minced no words when she told me that she did not like me and that I was not good enough for her son and god...I was terrified of her but I'd just reached that snapping point and I put on my best lawyer voice and told her that Nate was a grown man, that he could make his own choices, that we were in love and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it and that I wasn't particularly fond of her either. She went quiet and I think she realized I wasn't going to back down over it and then we kind of came to an unspoken agreement. We didn't have to like each other but we both wanted Nate happy.  
She took out a typed list and told me I had an interview with the DA's office the next day and asked me what I was going to wear. When I showed her my suit she made this fucking sound of irritation that I can still remember to this day that only she could do and proceeded to let herself into the bedroom and went through my closet and started throwing things into the trash. I thought about protesting but mostly I was just wondering if she had snapped or something and just kinda stood off to the side and let her. Once she got that out of her system she turned to me and told me we were going shopping, that if I was going to represent the family then I needed to look presentable. She took me to Back Street Apparel and pretty much bought me an entirely new wardrobe, then we went to her stylist and she made me get waxed and trimmed and plucked and scrubbed and by the end of the afternoon I was fucking exhausted and she had her driver drop me off and told me that I had better not embarrass the family during my interview.'  
  
Looking back on it now, Audra shook her head when she realised Margaret had probably cared in her own twisted way, just like Susan had for a while, choking up when she suddenly missed Mrs Spitz. Daisy reminded her of Mrs Spitz and she made a mental note to swing by Goodneighbor on the way to the island so she could give Daisy a hug...and Fahr...and Mags and Amari and Kent and those idiots Mickey and Sully. And they probably should stop by Oberland and the Castle and maybe the Prydwen, frowning when she realised there was no way she had time to stop and see everyone and it was too far out of the way to go to Somerville to see the kids. Letting out a little huff and giving Sturges a kiss before practically flinging herself at John, sobbing into his coat like she had so many times already.  
She had a moment where John moved so she could sit on his lap and saw some confused faces and that just made her cry even harder, wondering what the hell was wrong with her and why the hell she couldn't control herself until Nick came over. He scooped her up like she weighed nothing and carried her downstairs, calling for a break and brought her to the bedroom, sitting on the bed and just holding her. She shouldn't have been surprised when Deacon popped his head in and he could see Sturges and Robert right behind him, Nick waving them away and leaning back against the wall, pulling her down against his chest. She couldn't stop the tears and bit back a frustrated cry, she could hear the rumbles of the guys talking just outside the door and she just felt worse at their worry. Audra felt her tears slow, eyes getting heavy when Nick started humming and rubbing a hand up and down her back. She could hear his internal works and coolant running through him, whining because she didn't want to sleep, she needed to finish.  
  
'Sleep, Audra. I'll wake you in an hour.'  
  
'I'm sorry...'  
  
'Nothing to be sorry 'bout.'  
  
-  
  
'How much sleep did she get?'  
  
'I don't know, she was up when I woke up...not nearly enough. She said she thought she heard something, she was worried Cole had sent more people out.'  
  
'I haven't seen anyone, Hank?'  
  
'No. Not from the Circle. Young Maxson had a few scouts in the area before he came but they just watched.'  
  
'...how did you know that?'  
  
The five men turned when Arthur piped up behind them, frowning at them. He'd come over to check on Audra...the longer her story went on the worse she started to look and he was concerned, apparently not the only one. But the revelation that his scouts had been noticed was disappointing. Taking a moment to look this man, Hank, up and down.  
  
'I saw them. Calm your mind young Maxson, they did their job admirably, I am just better.'  
  
The statement did nothing to ease his mind and he was about to give a biting retort when they all turned their heads at the sound of her cry, the frown creasing his brow deeply, following when Sturges ushered them to his garage so they would not disturb her further. Hands clasping behind his back as he looked over her companions, everyone lost in their own thoughts for a moment before he spoke again.  
  
'As she is right now the General...Audra, is in no state to be facing down the Institute on her own. Has she named an alternate?'  
  
The one called Shadow snorted, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and Arthur was unable to stop the stab of jealousy at the motion. It was something she did often and he wondered how much time they must spend together to share the habit, Shadow had seemed particularly affected by her story...snapping back into focus when Shadow spoke again.  
  
'I have offered but was very firmly shot down.'  
  
Turning to look at the man when Sturges snorted, 'Ya'll really think she would let anyone else go in her place? Not happening my friends.'  
  
The one called Julian nodded with the mechanic and MacCready stepped forward, frowning and fiddling with one of the rounds from his leg bandolier, looking anywhere but at him.  
  
'What if he's right? You all saw her earlier, she keeps getting distracted...losing her train of thought. What if that happens when she'd fighting a courser? I understand the want for her to do it, I would want to do it if it was Duncan...but are we sending her to her death?'  
  
Hell hath frozen over, loudmouth MacCready actually agreed with him, he kinda wished Charlie was here for this momentous occasion. Doing his best to keep his face straight and the flush hidden when MacCready looked up at him before turning back to Shadow, having a momentary flashback to when he was 14, right before he and MacCready got into the fist fight.  
  
'De...Shadow...are you really going to let her get into that machine...'  
  
'Somehow I don't think anyone lets her do anything, she chooses. You have a child. You know the stakes.'

Wait...MacCready has a child?  
  
Julian scowled at MacCready and for a moment there the sniper looked like he was going swing at the other man but obviously rethought it, given the demonstration they had yesterday, huffing in disgust and storming out. Shadow sighed and chased after him, the rest of them turning when Hancock went past and entered the bedroom, Valentine coming out a few minutes later. The synth was entirely too perceptive, looking at them and noticing the tension.  
  
'What did I miss?'  
  
'I was asking if the General had named a second, synth. The state she is in does not bode well for the mission.'  
  
Valentine frowned and rolled his eyes and Arthur flushed, inclining his head slightly, knowing that the barb was unnecessary. Meeting the synth's gaze as he stared at him before the detective inclined his head slightly, as well.  
  
'John will talk with her when she wakes up, he'll be able to get more out of her than we will but I can tell you for a fact that she will not let anyone else go in her stead and I do not think we have a choice in the matter. She said she was going to do it, you can damn well be certain she is going to do it.'  
  
Valentine and Sturges walked out, leaving Maxson with the others, Julian and Hank regarding him curiously. Standing his ground and staring the two men down as best he could. Julian nodding slightly before exiting, Hank watching him for a moment longer before speaking up.  
  
'You are very much like him in looks and manner. You are intertwined in her life just as much as Roger was, whether or not you stay there is up to you young Maxson. Will you cling to your forced ideals or allow yourself something far more reckless and satisfying?'  
  
Arthur found himself scowling at a wall, sinking down onto the couch that was in the garage as Hank left, grabbing a cigarette from the pack that sat there and lighting one, pinching the bridge of his nose. He started the morning being thrown off kilter and completely aroused watching her covered with just a slip of a towel kissing her lovers, flushing in shame at how aroused he was watching her kiss Valentine and trying to imagine her kissing him with that level of attention. Thrown now from the way this Hank spoke, like he knew his ancestor, another person speaking about how he was like Roger Maxson.

He still wasn't sure about how he was going to break this news to the western Elders.


	5. Our Everyday in Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audra finishes the tale that brought her to the Commonwealth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, yay writing! Starting to get back into the writing mood so fingers crossed for more frequent updates and I may be starting a Dragon Age Inquisition story soon.
> 
> One, maybe two more chapters in this section and it's time for the Institute and soooo much angst.

Audra let out a little grunt when she realised it was John holding her, burrowing into his jacket a bit as John chuckled at her.  
  
'Awake now, sunshine?'  
  
'Hnnnnggggg.'  
  
'You gonna come out and talk to me? All those idiots are worried about you...we're all worried about you.'  
  
'Having trouble keeping my emotions in check...too much...dunno if I was too tired. Had a hard time sleeping, Dee and I started to...and we almost...but I ruined the mood and kept kicking myself over it. I miss him so much, John...it was so nice just to have him touch me then I heard something and I was worried those assholes were back to try get us again...'  
  
She knew she was rambling and John just let her, rubbing a hand up and down her back trying to mollify her. Trailing off as she pulled back and looked up at him, sighing and trying to hide once again before he pulled her back out of his coat.  
  
'What set you off while you were talking?'  
  
'It was...I just had the realisation that Margaret cared for me in her own twisted way like I'm sure Mum and Susan did at one point. Then I missed Mrs Spitz because she was the only one who never treated me like I was less than, she always believed in me. Then I though about how Daisy is like Mrs Spitz and I wanted to hug her before I go and Fahr and Amari....and then I realised that I wouldn't be able to stop everywhere and see everyone and what if something happens John?'  
  
Hancock sighed and pulled her up so she was straddling his lap, face to face with him, dropping his hat on top of her head and poking a finger at her belly with each question.  
  
'Did Sturges and Virgil do a good job building that thing?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'Are you going in armed and ready for anything?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'Aren't you capable of healing?'  
  
'Yeah...'  
  
'Well, then...you're more prepared and better suited for it then most people I imagine. Don't tell me you want to back down? That doesn't sound like my stubborn sunshine.'  
  
'But what if Shaun isn't there? What if they made him hate me?'  
  
'It's a possibility, sunshine but hey...that could have happened even without this. You can do what you can for your kids but they make their own choices.'  
  
She started at him while he obviously drifted into his own thoughts, vaguely wondering if he had other kids besides Fahr. Pressing her hands against the wall, trapping him before leaning in and kissing softly, sliding off the bed with a little pout.  
  
'Let's go finish this.'  
  
'All right, Audra.'  
  
She was glad he didn't see her wince at the pain in his voice, he never called her Audra unless he was being serious and she once again felt guilty that she couldn't be what he needed, turning and wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging tight before shuffling towards the doors. Pausing when she saw Arthur sitting in the garage, lost in thought, waving John on and stepping over to see what was bothering Arthur. Nearly flinching at the anger and worry that was in his eyes when he looked up at her.  
  
'If you were Brotherhood I could order you to stay, to send someone else in your place, but you are not and I cannot.'  
  
'Do you really think I would listen, even if you did?'  
  
Her words were a little sharper than she intended and he let out a huff but she could see the corner of his mouth quirk up slightly, smiling at him and reaching over, caressing his cheek softly as he shook his head.  
  
'No. You are the most infuriating woman I've ever met.'  
  
'I've been told that before. As John pointed out, I've had the best people working on the device, I'm going in armed, and I heal...so I should be okay.'  
  
'Yes...I suppose...wait, what? You heal, what are you talking about?'  
  
'It's complicated, ask Cade when you get back and tell him I gave him permission to share that information. Come on, I need to finish this.'  
  
He was scowling at her again but didn't resist when she laced her hand with his like she had the day before, pulling him up. Surprising him when she leaned in as he stood, hands on his chest as she pressed a kiss on his slack lips, letting out a lil hum of pleasure when he came back to reality and kissed her back. She wished they had more time when he wrapped an arm around her, lifting her feet off the ground to keep their lips together, hand hot against her lower back but she squirmed away knowing they needed to return. Looking at him from under her lashes before grabbing his hand and dragging him along.  
  
(War of Change - Thousand Foot Krutch)  
  
She couldn't help by smile seeing everyone back in their spots, rounded up by John, pausing and going from person to person and giving them a hug because they were here and she could. She wasn't sure if it was the nap or if it was John's confidence but she was feeling much better, hopping on the table and looking over her friends.  
  
'Sorry about earlier, now... let's see...ahhh the wedding.'  
  
-  
  
John couldn't help but smirk a little when they came up and he noticed their slightly swollen lips, making Maxson flush when he glared just to see what his reaction would be. Taking a seat next to the kid as Sunshine went around and hugged everyone, keeping his voice low.  
  
'Maxson.'  
  
'Mayor Hancock.'  
  
'So, kid...you ever going to buck up and actually give Audra a good fuck or are you too uptight all the time? Does it bother you that she's fucked a synth and a ghoul...not at the same time mind you, not that I think she would be opposed, might have to talk with Valentine about that.' Continuing on as the kid's face started to turn red and he started looking irritated, 'Relax, kid. I'm just saying...if she looked at me the way she looked at you, there is no way in hell I'd pass that up. Hell, she doesn't look at me that way and I couldn't pass it up. Just...don't hurt her because you can't get your shit together. Buck up or back off, you dig?'  
  
He tilted his hat when Maxson gave him a sharp nod, sauntering over and sinking down next to Mac, draping an arm over the kid's shoulders. He didn't miss the flash of irritation in Maxson's eyes when he did so, filing that information away to be explored later, winking at Maxson and smirking once again when the kid flushed.  
  
He could see why she liked to poke at him, he was pretty fun to tease and looked good angry.  
  
-  
  
'To appease Margaret we went with a larger wedding then either of us really wanted but by that point, I just didn't care, I was so happy just to have Nathan and Da and Rog and Jeff there.'  
  
(In the Name of Love - Bebe Rexha/Martin Garrix)  
  
'If I wasn't with the guys then I was with Adrienne and Lily and rather than doing some crazy send-off before the wedding we all crowded into our tiny apartment and played some poker and ate barbecue and drank beer, even Nate's parents swung by for a bit, Margaret was scowling but Richard had a beer and actually looked like he was having a good time. Da and Rog wouldn't let us sleep together that night but I still woke up in the middle of the night to Nate curled around me.'  
  
She gripped the edge of the table, swinging her legs, unable to stop the little grin.  
  
'Nate was so handsome in his tuxedo and I actually really loved my dress, even though Margaret pretty much picked it out. Da and Rog walked me down the aisle and it just...was amazing.'  
  
Audra could practically feel Dee's sigh from where she was sitting, fingers pulling at the ends of her hair, not really looking at or focusing on anyone.  
  
'We made it through the ceremony and the dinner and we were wrapping up the speeches when Nate pulled me up for the first dance and I knew something was up because he couldn't stop grinning. I wasn't sure what was going on till the music started to play and everyone from essentially my side started clapping and cheering. I don't know how much they had to bribe the DJ to switch from the song Margaret picked. I'd been worried about how Nate's hip and knee would feel but he just grabbed me and started to spin me around as he sang along with the song.'  
  
(Deuces Are Wild - Aerosmith)  
  
_She was laughing and grinning as Nate spun her around before pulling her into his arms. His eyes were crinkling with happiness and even though he couldn't carry much of a tune, the sound of him singing to her had her blushing with glee._  
_She could hear they guys laughing and clapping looking over her shoulder at them, turning back when Nate cupped her cheek, slowing down to a sway as he leant over and kissed her deeply and she was sure her heart would explode._  
  
_They lay there in the bed at the hotel, still slightly sweaty from their last romp, wiggling back against him as he wrapped his arms around her. Holding their hands out and looking at their rings. He kept doing that all evening, looking at his hand and her hand and the soft sound of amazement in his voice had her turning to look at him._  
  
_'You said yes...I can't believe you said yes...'_  
  
'We took a week off for the honeymoon and the first couple nights were at the Harbormaster Hotel, then the rest of the week was just hanging out with everyone before they all went home. Then I went to work at the DA's office and Nate went back to working with the VA. We bought the house in Sanctuary Hills...things were looking good. And we were good for several months but then the doubts started coming back and Nate started to wonder if we should actually be together anymore, he even mentioned divorce. I wasn't about to have any of that, I told myself that I had let things get to me before but that I would fight for the ones I love like Da had told me to.'  
  
Audra paused and looked up at the window for a moment before looking back over everyone. Dee had gone back to hiding again but she hoped he realised she would fight for him, hoped they all realised that she would fight for each and every person here.  
  
'So, I planned a date...I took him to a baseball game at Diamond City...it was called Fenway Park back then. We had a lot of fun and some beers, so by the time we got home we were a little tipsy. It was a nice night, so we decided to go for a walk...'  
  
(Rainsong - Rachael Yamagata)  
  
When she closed her eyes, she could practically feel the rain falling on her face...  
  
_'Ahhhh come on, we're getting soaked.'_  
  
_'Aww, come here Chunk, I'll keep you warm...'_  
  
_She let out a little squeak when Nathan grabbed her close, moving down the hill a bit, away from the lights. Moaning softly when he pressed her back against the stone column and ground his hips against hers. He tasted like summer, like beer and popcorn from the game, gasping when he lifted her like he had so long ago._  
_The rain was coming down, which was the only reason she didn't immediately stop him, knowing the neighbors would have all run in for cover. Legs wrapping around his hips and breath coming out in little pants as he slid a hand up under her dress. She loved the way he moaned when he felt how wet she was for him, moaning for him when he ripped her panties in his haste, pants hanging down over his hips as he plunged deep._  
_It didn't take long, they were both too excited, biting and gasping and giggling and moaning. Stumbling back to the house, clinging to each other, cheerfully waving at Mrs Rosa as she peered out her window._  
_They made love several times that night, after fighting recently they hadn't been physical and it was like it had built up. Warming up in the shower, getting some snacks devolving to dancing around the kitchen and testing out the counter, flopping down on the couch which lead to another round before finally heading to bed._  
  
_'I love you, Nathan...I don't want a divorce...I couldn't...I need you, love.'_  
  
_'I need you too...I'm sorry I've been an ass. I just...it's not the same, I knew that but sometimes...'_  
  
_'I know...but it's us now and I am okay with that. We can take all the time we need, it's us, forever...remember?'_  
  
Audra opened her eyes slowly and had to take a few breaths before her brain caught back up to the present.  
  
'...Shaun was conceived that night after the game...We weren't trying but we hadn't done anything to prevent it either. Nate was so scared but so excited when I told him. You would have thought I was made of fine china from how careful he started treating me. It wasn't until about two months of that that I finally got frustrated and practically pinned him to the bed doing my best to convince him he wasn't going to hurt me or the baby.'  
  
Smirking and looking down at her feet because she knew if she looked at any of them she would start to blush. Mouth going slack and sliding into a frown as she played with her ring, licking her lips which suddenly felt much too parched.  
  
'He was nervous because of what had happened before...I was nervous because of what had happened but I was also determined that things were going to work out that time and it was going to be great...'  
  
She choked a bit on the last words, letting out a little whine and pulling back when Robert approached, wincing at the pain in his eyes. Pulling him aside with a little kiss and whispering to him before retreating, watching as Nick and John went to him, moving to sit with Curie and Piper feeling like a complete ass but it was too much.  
  
'The pregnancy went okay...they were worried for a bit because I couldn't stop puking but it eventually passed. The birth was rough. At one point they were considering a C-section. Things weren't moving along, they had to put me on oxygen because I was having a hard time breathing and the asshole who was supposed to give me an epidural...a shot to block some of the pain, he fucked that up royally and instead my back hurt more. I was fairly certain Nate was going to punch the guy out when all at once things started to happen and in three good pushes there was my baby...my little Shaun.'  
  
She curled her hand, in the haze of the oxygen deprivation she just remembered tiny fingers wrapping around hers and a tiny nose pressing against her face. Barely getting a chance to place a kiss on his head before he was whisked away.  
  
'Nate went with him when the nurses took him to be cleaned...he was small, lighter then they thought he would be but so long and so they decided that they would keep him a few nights just to make sure things were okay. I remember falling asleep and Nate waking me up later, handing me a little bundle. He was so small, I was worried but then he opened his eyes and I was so very very much in love.  
I was so happy, there were hard days...days where I slipped into a depression, worrying that I would turn out to be my mother. Worrying that I would hurt him the way she hurt me...but Nate pulled me back every time. We got Codsworth to help around the house when I was having trouble...never was there a more dedicated gentleman.'  
  
Audra couldn't help but smile at the pleased sound he made, flailing his claw arm a bit like he did when he was happy. She did not know how anyone could ever believe that he didn't have his own thoughts or feelings, it was so evident when she watched him. Eyes dropping to Arthur when she realised he was looking at the Mr Handy with that damn detachment he was so seemingly good at, wondering what was actually going on in that head of his.  
  
'Things looked good...everything seemed to be calming down. Nate was going to give a speech at the VA about recovering after something horrible like the war...He was practicing his speech in the mirror when we got up that morning. I went to go get some coffee and then the Vault-Tec guy came by and we figured why not. It was better to be safe then sorry. Shaun started fussing so we checked on him when Codsworth called out to us. We knew something was wrong from the sound of his voice...'  
  
(Volatile Times - IAMX)  
  
'When they started announcing that there were confirmed reports of bombs going off...it didn't sink in right away...then the sirens started. Nate started yelling at me to get to the vault and the first thing I could think of was to tell Codsworth goodbye. Then I started running. The neighborhood was in chaos...they were....there were people at the gate, my neighbors, all the people I'd started to get to know in the year we'd lived there and they were being denied entry. I can't....I can't...if you really want to know you can ask me in private later but I can't anymore. We got into the vault and they lied to us. I woke up to watch Nate get shot and Shaun taken...I woke up and I was alone in the vault except for the bodies and skeletons and radroaches. Then I found Codsworth again...then Dogmeat found me...then I met Preston and Sturges and Mama Murphy and the Longs...and little by little I met all of you. You have been my family, you ARE my family and I love you so much. And I have to go get Shaun. Because I promised Nate. Because I promised that little tiny perfect one when I first held him. Because I need to do it for myself...'  
  
Audra let out a giant sigh but there were no tears this time. Standing with just a sense of determination, looking at her family, looking up at the window and seeing Dee there without the helmet on, looking back at her.  
  
She could do this. He said she could.


	6. Shadow of Burden Behind Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened between Arthur and MacCready all those years ago?  
> Audra assigns the family their suits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 I am still working on this! My laptop died a horrible death, so it takes a bit longer for me to write everything on my iPad but I am still here! I love you and I'm so sorry I'm so slow.

'Arthur, what suits are currently assigned?'  
  
Mac tried not to snicker at the irritated pinch Audra's question brought to the Elders face, ignoring Arthur's grumbles and leaning over Hancock and snagging a cigarette from the pile of packs they had on the side table. Hoping the cigarette would help calm him a little, hearing Audra's full story again...it just made him hurt for her and get scared about her going to the Institute all over again.  
Smirking when John let out a grunt as he pulled back, making the ghoul smirk in return.  
  
'Better watch out there, kid. I think your would-be boyfriend is getting jealous.'  
  
'My wha...?'  
  
'Maxson's been scowling at me something fierce ever since I told him to step up or back off from Audra, got that cranky look on his face. He get's the same look anytime you get too cosy looking with me...'  
  
Robert couldn't help the surprised look on his face, glancing over at Audra and Arthur, where the brat was alternating between scowling at her and in his general direction. Paying a bit more attention when he heard Arthur mention Sarah Lyons and Charlie. Near as he understood, Arthur NEVER talked about them, eyes getting even wider and wandering over to hear what was up.  
  
'Well, my dear...you can't exactly stop me. The Suits are MINE. Ya'll are welcome to retain your titles and secret club or whatnot but I am going to assign titles as I see fit, so you might as well go ahead and suck it up.'  
  
'Understood.'  
  
Robert frowned when Queenie leant over and pressed a quick kiss on Maxson, rubbing his scruff before she pulled away.  
  
'You are still the King of Diamonds and Danse is still Jack of Clubs, I think those are fitting.'  
  
Mac wrapped a hand around Queenie's hip, looking down at her as he pulled her over a little possessively.  
  
'Charlie is the Queen of Diamonds...I remember bugging her about her tattoo after she got it...'  
  
'...do you communicate with her often?'  
  
Mac scowled at Arthur and turned to face the other man. Poking a finger at his chest, ignoring the sound of the tin can standing up to defend his master.  
  
'Not that it's any of your dam...darn business, but yes, I stay in contact with her. Maybe you should have tried that before you completely drove her away from you in fear.'  
  
'I...'  
  
'No.'  
  
'She...'  
  
'Save your breath, asshat. She's the one you should have talked with and you fucked that up and it hurt her. Do you even understand that, locked away in your fucking fortress? Your dumbass decisions hurt people and you drove away one of the only people that was really trying to make things better for everyone, not just the ones you deemed worthy. Queenie...'  
  
'Language.'  
  
He stopped talking at the look on her face, her eyes darting back and forth between them after she spoke before raising an eyebrow and he knew she finally figured out what had happened or at least guessed something close, flushing and stomping off. He needed a minute to calm down...stupid twerp always got him riled up.  
  
Dogmeat was more than happy to accompany him down, sighing and heading out front, throwing a ball for the dog. Wondering if Charlie had gotten his letter yet, hoping Duncan was improving...  
Grumbling and turning when he heard the steps coming up behind him, figuring one of them must have come down to check on him, words dying in his throat when he turned around and realised it was Arthur standing there.  
  
-  
  
'Go. Now. I will not continue until Robert is back up here. You can either suck it up and ask him to come back up or you can leave.'  
  
He would never understand how in the hell someone so small was so goddamn stubborn, scowling at the General as she crossed her arms over her chest but holding up a hand when Danse went to go down. Ignoring the stares of the others on the rooftop as he made his way down, taking a moment to compose himself, feeling his face flush.  
Squaring his shoulders and lifting his chin. He was an Elder of the Brotherhood, not fourteen any more and certainly not about to let RJ MacCready get to him. Huffing at the surprised look on the other man's face and rolling his eyes.  
  
'She will not continue until you have rejoined.'  
  
'Huh. Why are you here, brat? Are you planning on driving her off like you did Charlie?'  
  
(Wrong Turn - Blackout City Kids)  
  
'I...I did not mean to drive Charlotte off. I was upset over Sarah's death and upset because Charlie was not there to help. She would run around helping anyone and everyone but she wasn't there to help Sarah.'  
  
'Yeah and from what I remember she explained what happened...are you going to hold that against her forever?'  
  
'No, I do not hold it against her. And I am sure that you remember that you punched me before that, it was a rough day.'  
  
MacCready at least had the decency to flush, tossing the ball for Dogmeat once again before turning back to him.  
  
'I hadn't been kissed by a guy before, you took me by surprise.'  
  
'I can assure you, you won't have to worry about that happening again. She is waiting for you.'  
  
He could feel his heart pounding a little harder, fists clenching, trying to hold it together and not sink into one of his panic attacks.  
It had all happened so quick at the time, one thing after another. Elder Owyn dying, Sarah dying, MacCready punching him, Charlie leaving with that ghoul, becoming Elder.  
Arthur shook his head and did an about face and went into the garage where Audra had kissed him earlier, huffing a bit trying to draw deep breaths in and out, scowling when MacCready came in. He was about to say something till he looked up and Arthur was confused when the man softened a bit. Even more surprised when the merc grabbed his hand and put it on his chest, too shocked to pull away.  
  
'Panic attack? Audra gets them a bunch...just focus on a spot on the wall, feel my heart beating, breathe with me...nice and slow.'  
  
The unexpected contact had his eyebrows nearly rising into his hairline for a moment before he started doing as he was told, staring at the wall, not paying attention to the fact that it was MacCready. Mac's heartbeat was strong and steady and it only took a minute before Arthur felt his breathing slow and his heart start to match the rhythm. Snatching his hand back and rubbing at the palm a bit, feeling uncharacteristically uncertain over the events of the past few days, not realizing he'd opened his mouth until it was out.  
  
'Why help me?'  
  
MacCready sighed and poked around the workbench till he found a pack of cigarettes, taking one when offered and watching him light one for himself, taking a few drags before speaking.  
  
'Because maybe your not a complete asshole if you can admit that you screwed up with Charlie. Because Charlie cares about you and would ask about you even after she went into hiding. Because Audra loves you. Because maybe she can be good for you like she has been good for all of us. Because she makes me want to be a better person and I'm terrified that something is going to happen when she steps into that machine and the last thing I want is for her to be disappointed in me because I let you freak out. Come on.'  
  
Arthur watched his back as MacCready left the garage, taking a moment to compose himself before following. By the time he got back up to the roof, MacCready was already flopped on the couch with the Mayor once again and Audra was looking at him with a soft smile that made his heart hurt.  
MacCready said that she loved him...did she? They hadn't known each other for any length of time but he now knew far more about her than she knew about him. What would she think about his life? What information did she find out during her time aboard the Prydwen? She'd mentioned her lovers but had never asked about his experiences. Did that even matter to her...what could he offer her that they already didn't?  
  
(Be Somebody - Thousand Foot Krutch)  
  
His eyes snapped up when he felt the fingers brushing his jaw again and he couldn't help but clench it a little, forcibly composing himself. He'd let too much show in her company, he only knew most here by reputation and who knows what they would be saying about the Elder of the East Coast after watching her make demands of him, scowling at the thought.  
Her sigh had him taking a few more deep breaths as he ran down the list of the currently assigned suits and waited for her decree.  
  
Wondering how she would feel about the thought that suddenly popped in his head, waiting for the opportune time to voice it.  
  
-  
  
'So. Here we are again. Arthur will remain the King of Diamonds, Danse the Jack of Clubs...they have their tattoo's and I have mine...if any of you would like your's then I have the designs but that is up to you if you would like that. Now, for the new assignments...'  
  
'Wait, before you continue, I would like to propose a slight change.'  
  
'Yes, Arthur?'  
  
She turned and looked at him curiously, something had happened downstairs between him and Robert and she was fairly certain something had happened between them before that caused the fistfight when they were younger, all she knew was that he looked a lot less certain of himself than he did when he was around his troops. Waiting patiently for him to gather himself and by that point, everyone was staring at him expectantly.  
  
'I proposed that you are no longer the Queen of Hearts...that you take the title of Queen of Suits, all of them, not just hearts.'  
  
Audra blinked a few times, tilting her head in thought and it was the hesitation in the way he suggested it that cinched the deal, nodding a bit. Trying not to glance up at the window once she came to a decision.  
  
'I think that is agreeable. Though if I am going to be the Queen of the Suits, then I would have to name the former King of Spades, Aidan Davidson as the King of the Suits. We wouldn't have existed without him...  
Hmmm, now that changes a few things...let's see.  
Well, first off I guess I should explain the symbolism of each suit:  
Hearts are our people who are good at interacting with other people, the more social ones.  
Diamonds are our achievers, the completionists, the ones that like the physical measure of success.  
Clubs, those are our destructors. The ones that enjoy competition and basically blowing shit up.'  
  
'Shite, sign me up there.'  
  
'Oh, don't you worry Cait, you are definitely a Club. I've thought about everyone's disposition and thought long and hard before coming to my decisions. If you want to know why you can always ask me after.  
And then the Spades, those are our explorers. Those that enjoy knowledge and discovery.  
Now, I can think no one better suited to be the King of Hearts then our very own Nicholas Valentine. I may even have to tweak the design a bit to incorporate his into it.  
My King of Clubs is none other than Robert because of obvious reasons.  
I would name Sturges the King of Spades, for his love of tinkering and learning how things work.  
So...there are my kings...'  
  
She couldn't help but flush a little at her choice of words, deliberately NOT looking at any of them and ploughing on before she could start question herself and think too hard about Mama Murphy's words from forever ago.  
  
'Sarah Lyons will remain Queen of Clubs. Charlie will remain Queen of Diamonds...from all I have heard I am sorry I did not have a chance to meet the former and look forward to someday meeting the latter. Uhhh...I actually didn't think about the Queen assignments too much because I didn't know what was assigned, I'll have to figure that out later.  
Now for the rest of them, I tried to make sure to give everyone a unique suit but since there is a limited number there might be some overlap at some point.  
John, darling, I say you're the Jack of Hearts.  
Piper, Ten of Hearts.  
Elijah, you're the Nine of Hearts.  
Codsworth, honey, you're the Three of Hearts.'  
  
Everyone cracked up when the Mr Handy gasped loudly and flailed his claw arm in surprise, making everyone but Arthur and Danse chuckle. Arthur was scowling again and Danse looking confused and Audra just shrugged a little.  
  
'Cods is family, so yes, I'm going to assign him a suit. Got a problem with that?'  
  
At their silence and Haylen's wide-eyed stare she continued.  
  
'Preston, you're the Jack of Diamonds.  
Ellie Perkins, you're the Ten of Diamonds.  
Other Ellie, you're the Eight of Diamonds.  
Haylen, my dear, you're the Six of Diamonds.  
As I promised, Cait, you're the Ten of Clubs.  
Glory, darling, you're the Eight of Clubs.  
Strong isn't here and he probably doesn't care but I assigned him the Five of Clubs.'  
  
Rolling her eyes when Mac started laughing so hard he snorted and broke into a coughing fit.  
  
'Carrying on...Fahrenheit isn't here either, but she's the Two of Clubs.  
Julian, I name you Ace of Clubs.  
Deegan, you're the Jack of Spades.  
Curie, honey, you're the Ten of Spades.  
Hank, you're the Ace of Spades.  
I think that is everyone...oh you want something too, furball? Well, you can be the Joker.'  
  
Everyone chuckled as Dogmeat came over, barking and jumping about when she motioned at him.  
  
'So, yeah...Piper, Haylen that is why I wanted you to record this, so we know for future reference and if you need some clarification, we can sit down and talk before ya'll leave. Sturges, honey, they also have my permission...as well as Arthur and Danse or any of the Scribes Arthur would like, to access the boxes in the safe. Arthur...there are many many more letters in there that we did not have a chance to go over but what is there may change the view of who Roger actually was and I would like that to be reflected properly. There are some of the Brotherhood's beliefs that are far from what Roger's actual views would have been when I knew him and as long as I am around, I will push back against anything I feel is being represented incorrectly. Does that sound fair to you? I am also willing to speak with Quinlan in detail once I am back. Oh, and here, I figured he'd want to hear this.'  
  
Her tone was stern while talking about Roger but softened towards the end, popping the tape out from her Pipboy and handing it to Arthur before looking around at everyone. Her family. There was a myriad of facial expressions but the prevalent one still seemed to be concern and she wondered how tired she must look. Putting on her best smile and hopping on the table, legs swinging.  
  
'Well, that's all I have about me for now. I figured I would rest tonight and tomorrow I'll set out for the machine that will take me to the Institute, so tonight I'd love it if you all would stay one more night and just hang out. We can do...something...'  
  
She was drawing a blank, glancing over when John spoke up.  
  
'Sing us a song, Sunshine?'  
  
'I can do that...hmmm...how about this one.'  
  
(Raise Hell - Brandi Carlile)  
  
She started her hands clapping and a foot-stomping in time with the beat, clearing her throat and humming a little until she stood up and started.  
  
_I've been down with a broken heart  
Since the day I learned to speak  
The devil gave me a crooked start_  
  
Weaving in between people until she was in front of Arthur again, his eyes still guarded and she wondered what was on his mind.  
  
_I found myself an omen and I tattooed on a sign  
I set my mind a wandering and I walk a broken line  
You have a mind to keep me quiet_  
_And although you can try,_  
  
Giving him and wink and turning to Danse, much like she had with them on the Prydwen.  
_  
Better men have hit their knees  
And bigger men have died_  
  
Wandering over to Sturges and draping herself across his lap, pressing a quick peck on him before thinking of the Prydwen again, eyes drifting upwards to where Dee was still standing in the window. This time, however, Julian was behind him, having gone up to talk with him at some point. Eyes locking with Deacons behind his sunglasses, several of the others looking up to see who she was staring at.  
  
_I sent my love across the sea  
And though I didn't cry  
That voice will haunt my every dream  
Until the day I die_  
  
Frowning slightly when Deacon disappeared inside but turning towards him when he came out the side door, standing and waltzing over, fingers brushing over his t-shirt. Somewhere he'd found the time to shed the suit, the tip of her tongue wetting her lips before letting go.  
  
_I dug a hole inside my heart  
To put you in your grave  
At this point it was you and me  
And mama didn't raise no slave  
You took my face in both your hands  
And looked me in the eye  
And I went down with such a force  
That in your grave I lie_  
  
_I'm gonna raise, raise hell  
There's a story no one's telling  
You gotta raise, raise hell  
Go on and ring that bell_  
  
Audra turned her back on Deacon as she finished off the song and slinked over to John, immediately seguing into the next song, chucking the mayor under the chin with a wink.  
  
(This World - Selah Sue)  
  
_I fear real danger  
This world ain't simple  
But I'm strong, I know how to get out  
And I'll find my way ‘cause  
’Cause it’s love, real simple and that’s how it works_  
  
Turning and gliding over to Nick at the other end of the couch while continuing to sing, swaying in front of the detective, eyes locked on his glowing gaze. The flash of desire in his eyes had them both remembering the last time they were in this position.  
  
_I feel it’s fallin’ down, I know I’ll catch it  
You crazy world, crazy world, yeah  
I feel real passionate  
You feel the sun comes down  
I'll make it shine, yeah  
You crazy world, crazy world, yeah_  
  
Head tilting to the side and reaching out, caressing Robert's cheek as his eyes went wide and his breath caught a little.  
  
_I can see your fear ‘cause  
This world ain’t simple  
But I’m strong, I know how to stay out  
And I’ll find my way ‘cause  
‘Cause it’s love, it’s love, it’s love, it’s love, it’s loving, yeah, oh-oh_  
  
Leaning over at the hips, pressing a soft kiss on his slack lips before abruptly turning about, sauntering back to the table and finished the song off.  
  
_You feel the sun comes down  
I'll make it shine, yeah  
You crazy world, crazy world yeah  
Crazy world, crazy world, yeah  
Crazy world, crazy world, yeah_  
  
-  
  
He only had eyes for her as she was suddenly right there, unable to stop the little inhale, she always smelled so damn good. Trying hard not to let his surge of desire show everyone how badly he needed her.  
It had been so long since he'd heard her sing with such heart and he realised how much he'd missed it.  
  
How much he loved her.  
  
Fuck. He loved her. The thought hit him like a super sledge like it did every time.  
  
(Lovesong - The Cure)  
  
MacCready swallowed hard and just nodded when Valentine asked him if he was okay, wondering how the heck things were going to be while she went to the Institute, digging around in his pocket till his fingers closed around the little solider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, there are bits missing from the songs to conform with the ToS but I tried to just keep the relevant verses.
> 
> Awww our Mac is being all adult and stuff.


	7. Sweet Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cait tells Audra about the Vault.  
> Dee runs off.  
> Audra and Arthur get a little bit of alone time.

'Can we talk for a minute? Got somethin' that's been botherin' me.'  
  
'Sure, hon, what's on your mind?'  
  
'I never thought I'd be sayin' this, but I... well, I really need your help.'  
  
(Hold Me Down - Halsey)  
  
Audra frowned and pulled Cait to the side a bit, the evening was winding down and they'd been sharing their stories; Piper talked about her father, Danse actually talked a bit about his friend from back in the Capital Wasteland, MacCready talked about Little Lamplight, Hancock was currently regaling them with some story about how he lost a bet with a lady and ended up strutting around Goodneighbor sans pants.  
She couldn't help the lil flutter in her heart when that got even Arthur to crack a smile, though he quickly smothered it she could see the corner of his mouth twitching when Cait came over, slinging an arm around the redhead when she looked upset.  
  
'Anything you need, Cait.'  
  
'I was hoping you'd say that. We're friends now, which means I can trust ya with anythin'. I'm also hopin' it means you've got me back... 'cause I need it now more than ever.'  
  
She knew how hard it must have been for Cait to come to her and she couldn't even begin to imagine the things she'd been through. As hard as things were sometimes, she'd had her family and Cait hadn't had that. Letting her get it all out before bringing Preston over, making him promise to get the Vault clear, beaming when Deegan offered to help and Hank and Piper and Glory and Curie...even Arthur offered to send some troops when he heard what they would be going against.  
She gave Cait a big wet smack on the cheek, apologizing that she couldn't take her there immediately herself but that their family would take care of her, making the redhead laugh and shove at her as she left Preston and the boys to hammer out the details.  
Eyes turning up, seeing the candlelight flicker in one of the upper rooms. Catching Nick's eye and glancing back up, blowing a kiss when he nodded, chuckling when Julian moved over to subtly block the door to that part of the house after she went in.  
  
He'd hung out for a bit but she noticed he did not stay long, worried about how Dee was doing after everything, heart pounding as she went up the stairs.  
  
(Ready or Not - Mischa “Book” Chillak feat. Esthero)  
  
Pausing in the doorway, just taking him in for a moment. Deacon was lounging on the bed, book open but she knew he wasn't reading it, watching his fingers brush over the pictures before he shut the book. Pulling his glasses off and looking up at her.  
  
'Well, that was one hell of a tale, Charmer.'  
  
'Mmm. Maybe when this is all done you can write my biography.'  
  
'As long as it isn't post-mortem.'  
  
'Dee...'  
  
'Just..shut up for a minute, please.'  
  
Audra couldn't stop the little-surprised noise that came out when he reached for her, yanking her into the room and down onto the bed with him, falling against his chest and having to bite her lip to keep from saying something when she felt how he was shaking against her.  
He was petting at her like he needed to make sure she was really there, reaching up and cupping his face, turning him to look at her like they had the night before.  
  
_Oh, Deacon._  
  
She was about to speak up when he beat her to the punch.  
  
'Let me go for you.'  
  
'Dee, we talked about this.'  
  
'Please, please, please...let me do this.'  
  
(Die For You - Starset)  
  
He punctuated each please with a kiss, starting at her temple and working down to her jaw, neck, shoulder. Hands gripping her hips almost painfully.  
  
'What happens if you have a panic attack, what happens if they're waiting for you...what happens if something happened to Shaun?'  
  
'I don't know, Dee...but I have to do this.'  
  
Frowning when he huffed and lifted her, moving her off of him, dropping his hands as he sat up. She wanted to yell at him, to tell him he was being overprotective and irrational but she couldn't. Reaching over and lacing her fingers with his.  
  
'I'm scared. Terrified. But that is my son and I intend on finding out why they took him. I don't know what's going to happen.'  
  
She tried not to be hurt when he jerked away and started stuffing things into his bag, just sitting there watching as he stripped down and put his suit back on, swallowing hard when he slipped his glasses back on and turned to her.  
  
'I need to get out for a moment. Chunk...I'll see you there. Don't...don't go leaving without me there. Okay?'  
  
'Okay.'  
  
Audra wasn't sure how long she sat there, staring at the empty doorway, just letting the tears fall. Long enough that someone noticed, blinking away the tears until her eyes focused, looking up at the sad and annoyed faces of Sturges and Nick. They both started forward, pausing, Sturges motioning him on and leaning against the wall as Nick scooped her off the bed and carried her out into the hall, closing her eyes as Sturges cupped her face.  
  
'Come on down with us, darlin'. Preston has a team lined up to take Cait to the Vault tomorrow, the rest of us will be going with you. Plus, Maxson was looking mighty antsy without you around, might want to check in with him. Hey...we love you. Even that idiot loves ya too.'  
  
She couldn't stop the corner of her mouth from quirking up just a little, opening her eyes and pressing a loving kiss on Sturges before wiggling around in Nick's arms to give him one as well. Snorting softly when she pulled back and saw Arthur standing at the end of the hall, having Nick put her down as the three of them wandered over.  
  
'Why is it that you always seem to catch me when I'm smooching on Nick?'  
  
Chuckling when Arthur stiffened and looked down awkwardly, looking back at Nick in Sturges in time to catch them sharing a look, raising an eyebrow questioningly. Nick frowned a little and just pressed a kiss on her forehead before stepping past Arthur, Sturges grinned and pulled her into a deeper kiss, caressing her cheek before leaving her there wondering what the hell that was all about. Rubbing at her eyes and looking back at Arthur where he was just standing there quietly, smiling softly when he looked up at her.  
  
'You were crying. Are you okay?'  
  
Her smile faded just a little but she nodded, 'I'll be okay. How are you? The guys said you were looking antsy...'  
  
'It was just a lot to take in.'  
  
'Do you understand why I didn't tell you right away? I mean you were having a hard enough time believing I was the General of the Minutemen, how would you have reacted if I told you I was essentially Roger's little sister?'  
  
Arthur shook his head but grinned just a little.  
  
'I would have thought you were completely crazy and I was already questioning your sanity. I was wondering if I might go see more of the pictures and letters?'  
  
'Yeah, sure thing hon. Let me just tell the guys and we can walk over to the other house.'  
  
'I do not want to keep you from your company...'  
  
'Someone needs to open the safe for you and I'd like to come. I haven't had much of a chance to speak with just you about things, most of the guys already knew most of my story, so it's only fair if you have any questions or want to talk about anything...'  
  
'Thank you.'  
  
She flashed Arthur another smile and started for the door, surprised when he slid his hand in hers, very deliberately looking anywhere but at her. Smiling softly and leaning over, shoulders bumping as she gave his hand a squeeze.  
Sturges beckoned her over once they made it back to the rooftop patio, letting go of Arthur for a moment and sliding up to his side.  
  
'Yes, my love? Arthur wanted to go look at more of the pictures and letters, I was going to open the safe for him and hang out for a little bit and talk.'  
  
'Mmmm no worries, darlin'. Was just telling Nicky and Mac we should give you two a little privacy in case you wanted to...ahem...say your goodbyes for the time being.'  
  
She did not miss the tone her lover took and flushed, shivering as the soft rumble of his voice tickled her ear.  
  
'We weren't...I wasn't planning...'  
  
'There's some protection in the bedside table if you change your mind.'  
  
Sturges smirked when she turned as red as a freakin' tato, smacking his shoulder as he flung an arm around a frowning Mac.  
  
'Do you want him, Queenie?'  
  
Audra thought about denying it for half a second but they were both looking at her expectantly and she couldn't lie to them and when she spoke softly Mac just nodded a little like he was expecting her answer.  
  
'Yeah...I do...'  
  
'Just, be careful, please? I still am not sure about how much he can change but he seemed okay when I talked with him earlier.'  
  
'Ya know you still need to tell me what happened there...'  
  
'Maybe later...'  
  
Mac smirked before turning her back to Arthur with a pat on the behind as he told Haylen and Danse to settle in for the night, that they would be back after looking over the documents. Smiling at him when he turned to see who it was and the corner of his mouth quirked up attractively. Audra also didn't miss the look that Haylen and Danse also shared and seriously began to wonder if everyone thought they were just running off to boink.  
  
It was a quiet night and the air was warm as they made their way towards the bridge, nearly jumping when she felt Arthur slide his hand into her's again, eyes darting to his profile in the moonlight. Flushing when she thought about what Sturges had said, feeling slightly awkward. Eyes widening when Arthur glanced over at her and she realised that he was nervous about something, pulling him to a stop near the end of the bridge just out of range of the lights set up at the gate, nearly in the same spot Nick had stopped her the other day.  
  
There was something very heady in seeing the reaction that caused in him. Nerves, confusion, and a heavy dose of lust making his eyes dark in the shade. She'd never seen him look so unguarded and she wondered what was going on in his head, all she could think of now was what Sturges had suggested.  
  
Audra backed up till she could feel the wood, hopping up and sitting on the railing, tightening her grip on his hand and yanking him forward just a bit. Arthur stepped so he was standing between her open knees, the ragged breath he took only exciting her even more.  
She thought about that time in his quarters, as he rubbed the salve onto her back and she hummed softly as she tightened her knees at his hips and dipped her head, smothering the question that nearly came out of his lips with a soft kiss.  
  
_God, he feels good._  
  
Letting go of his hand to wrap her arms around him, fingers splaying over his back and enjoying the feel of his muscles under his shirts, shivering as his beard tickled her face. She nearly whined when he pulled back with a look of concern.  
  
'Cold?'  
  
'Far from it...'  
  
She had to pout a little till it dawned on him and he started to press forward again and they both let out little-frustrated sighs when they heard the guard gate, grumbling and resting her forehead on his shoulder before hopping down.  
  
'Who goes there?'  
  
'It's just me, Stan.'  
  
'Oh hey, General. Nice night for a walk!'  
  
'Yes, Stan. It's a nice night for a walk.'  
  
Audra started forward again and gasped when Arthur grabbed her hand and yanked her back, cupping the back of her head and leaning down, kissing deeply. She broke the kiss with an embarrassed chuckle as they heard the gate open but kept her hand in his, tugging him along with her, waving cheerfully at Stan as they passed and went to the house.  
  
Once they got to the house she went to grab boxes from the safe, smiling when she came out and Arthur was poking at the stereo Sturges had rebuilt, setting the box down and wandering over to select some music. Pulling him to the couch and opening the box.  
  
They sat there for hours and read letters, laughing as she told the stories behind them when she started to notice his attention drifting, biting her lip as she stared at the back of his head. At one point Arthur had shifted to the floor to go through the box and stayed sitting down there and it was only after she asked him a question and he didn't answer that she noticed he was staring intently at her legs.  
  
She could feel the warmth starting to pool in her stomach and lower as she shifted positions and saw the back of his neck turn red, realising he'd been holding the same letter for about fifteen minutes now. She felt a brief stab of guilt, thinking about Dee but then frowning because he was the one that walked out and suddenly what Sturges had been hinting at didn't seem so far-fetched, uncrossing her legs and shifting. Feeling emboldened when she saw how it made him squirm.  
  
(Dangerous Woman - Ariana Grande)  
  
Audra couldn't stop herself, he was much too tempting of a target. Reaching out and pulling his head back as she leant over, teeth latching onto his exposed neck and nipping softly, his little moan of surprise making her tremble. Nipping up his neck, nuzzling along his jaw, tongue darting out to tease an earlobe before pulling back. Pulling her hair over her shoulder when it fell and obscured his face, wanting to see his reaction.  
Licking her lips at the sight of Elder Arthur Maxson leaning back against the couch, flushed, eyes wide, pupils dilated, lips parted and breathing heavily. Moaning appreciatively and sliding to the edge of the couch before swinging a leg around sinking down onto his lap and rolling her hips against him.  
  
'Audra.'  
  
His tone was firm and she almost giggled thinking that wasn't the only thing that was firm, hips giving another roll against the front of his strained jeans. Head tilting back and letting out a soft moan when he grabbed her ass firmly and pulled her tight against him. Taking a shuddering breath and shivering when her breathless question had him twitching against her stomach.  
  
'Yes, Arthur?'  
  
'You said before you were not sure but then these last few days...you...we...you tell me to stop and I will stop. Do you want me to stop?'  
  
She didn't miss the way he held his breath or the way her stomach clenched when he asked her if she wanted to stop, looking up into those steely eyes and wondering if they were making a mistake.  
  
'No. Do you want to stop?'  
  
'No.'  
  
-  
  
He couldn't shake what Hancock had said to him from his brain, trying to pay attention and offer input as her companions discussed raiding a vault to help one of their own but his eyes kept drifting to her.  
She was wearing something other than his shirt today but she still had these shorts on that fit her round bottom like a glove and when she bent over to kiss MacCready while she was singing...well, let's just say he was glad everyone was paying attention to her. Flushing when Sturges looked over at him and winked, nodding a bit.  
  
Garvey distracted him a moment with a question and he frowned when they finished, realising Audra was no longer there, looking around and debating going downstairs to look for her.  
  
He was just about to head down the scaffolding when Julian stepped in front of him, simply shaking his head and pointing towards the entrance to the other part of the house, raising an eyebrow but turning and heading for the house. He could hear their voices before he could see them, turning into the hall and stopping, unsure if he should turn around when he saw Audra in Valentine's arms kissing him. About to turn when they stopped and Audra saw him, then she was coming down the hall with her lovers at her back.  
  
'Why is it that you always seem to catch me when I'm smooching on Nick?'  
  
Arthur couldn't stop himself from tensing, realising he had walked in on them an awful lot the last couple days, staring down at the floor and trying to figure out how to extract himself. He felt Valentine brush past him and only looked up after feeling Sturges pass, as well. About to apologize but then he saw the telltale signs of her crying and he didn't think before it came out of his mouth.  
  
'You were crying. Are you okay?'  
  
He felt like an ass when her smile faded just a little but she nodded, 'I'll be okay. How are you? The guys said you were looking antsy...'  
  
'It was just a lot to take in.'  
  
'Do you understand why I didn't tell you right away? I mean you were having a hard enough time believing I was the General of the Minutemen, how would you have reacted if I told you I was essentially Roger's little sister?'  
  
Arthur shook his head but grinned just a little, she was right, he probably would have tried to keep her locked her up if she had told him right away. Especially with having to deal with other fanatics before.  
  
'I would have thought you were completely crazy and I was already questioning your sanity. I was wondering if I might go see more of the pictures and letters?'  
  
'Yeah, sure thing hon. Let me just tell the guys and we can walk over to the other house.'  
  
He hadn't meant to imply that she take him, not wanting to pull her away from those she wanted but needing something to keep her off his mind. At least if he was looking stuff over he could learn more about the man that was Roger Maxson.  
  
'I do not want to keep you from your company...'  
  
'Someone needs to open the safe for you and I'd like to come. I haven't had much of a chance to speak with just you about things, most of the guys already knew most of my story, so it's only fair if you have any questions or want to talk about anything...'  
  
'Thank you.'  
  
His heart had picked up just slightly, thinking about actually getting a chance to be alone with her...unable to think of any questions he had previously wanted to ask, too busy remembering the last time they were alone.  
  
If she'd hadn't squirmed away, he wondered what more might have happened, wondering if she'd felt how excited she'd made him before dragging him back upstairs. Danse had noticed, glancing at him and then down, before raising an eyebrow with a smirk. He steeled his spine and hid his face but he could feel his oldest friend next to him trying not to laugh, elbowing him in the side at one point.  
  
She started forward and he thought of how she'd taken his hand before, sliding his hand into hers and staring forward at the door, unsure what her reaction would be. When she just squeezed his hand and bumped shoulders, he let out a little sigh of relief. He understood why they were all drawn to her, he'd admitted to himself that he had enjoyed the casual touches, maybe more than he should have.  
  
For as long as he could remember, he'd always been told he had an image to maintain, a name to live up to. There was never a lack of willing partners but he'd always had to explain that it was just physical, too many thought they could use sex as a way to become the next Mrs Maxson and after his encounter with an older Knight, Rachel Strauss, he'd always been sure to make sure things were outlined beforehand. Rachel quickly learned from her mistake and the last time Arthur saw her she was being shipped back to the west coast chapter.  
  
They had never discussed anything like that thus far but he was beginning to wonder if they would need to, she'd seemed to be a lot more affectionate with him since they'd arrived in Sanctuary but truth be told he was a lot more comfortable with her than any he'd been with previously. She was not afraid to speak her mind and let him know exactly where they stood.  
  
Breaking off from Audra when Sturges beckoned her over, going over to speak with Haylen and Danse, where they were speaking with the young lady with odd eyes.  
  
'So...I'm guessing you're the one who gave her the jacket she's so attached to. No wonder it doesn't fit, you're a big fucker. I was just asking your team for news from back in the Wasteland, I'll take my leave.'  
  
Arthur blinked at the odd woman before turning back to the other two.  
  
'Danse, get in contact with Quinlan and arrange a team to meet the Minutemen to clear the vault and do not discuss anything we have learned thus far. I wish to deliver that news to the Proctors and Knight-Captain in person. I am accompanying the General to her other home to read more of the letters from the High Elder, we will return a little bit later. Settle in for the night and we will return to the Prydwen tomorrow.'  
  
He felt someone coming up behind him and he couldn't help but grin just the tiniest bit when he saw her walking up, nodding at them as he followed her down and started towards Sanctuary. Once they were out of the light of Red Rocket he couldn't help but slide his hand back in hers, eyes darting over to her, hoping his attention was welcome. She stopped suddenly and tugged him to a stop as well, confused, turning towards her and feeling a stab of lust as she unconsciously licked her lips.  
Then she was hopping up on the railing and pulling him forward and he took a deep breath as he stepped forward between her spread knees, about to ask if she was sure when she tightened her knees at his sides and dipped her head.  
  
_Her lips are so soft._  
  
Everything about her felt soft right now, trying to get himself under control as she dropped his hand and pressed forward, wrapping her arms around him. Nuzzling softly and inhaling her sweet scent, pulling back, concerned when she shivered. The night was warm but she wasn't wearing much.  
  
'Cold?'  
  
'Far from it...'  
  
She pouted and he just about chuckled when he realised, leaning forward wanting to bite that lip, unable to hold back the sigh of frustration when someone called out.  
  
_Could they never have one fucking moment without someone walking in or interrupting somehow??_  
  
'Who goes there?'  
  
It seemed she shared his sentiment when she grumbled and dropped her head to his shoulder before hopping down and greeting the guard. She started towards the gate and he was not fucking having it, grabbing her hand and yanking her back to him, taking her lips the way he wanted. Giving her tongue a soft suck before she pulled back with a chuckle as the gate opened.  
Despite her frustration she still greeted the man amicably and waved as they passed, pulling him along to the house. The guard was lucky it was dark, not seeing the daggers Arthur had in his eyes for interrupting them. She disappeared into the back of the house and he wasn't sure if she wanted him to follow so he approached the console she had under the window, she reappeared with the box and came over to turn some music on before settling down.  
  
He might have been able to stay there for hours, days, weeks...reading everything and having her tell the story behind them. Unlike earlier, she seemed in much more cheerful spirits as she told him the stories and he wondered what it might have been like...to have a family, a life, without the expectations dangling over his head. Dropping to the floor and rifling through the box before selecting another letter and leaning back against the couch to absorb this one.  
  
**_Audra,_**  
  
_**I know we spoke on the phone yesterday but I did not have a chance to finish updating you before those two chuckleheads interrupted.**_  
_**Harvard is an excellent choice, we are all very proud of you and are looking forward to your prestigious law career. Pop is doing fine, I made sure we had some items on hand that needed fixing, that seemed to be good enough to distract him for the time being. I make no such promises when we return, you are his baby and he won't say it but he is concerned about you going off on your own, no matter how many times we remind him that you have done well for yourself thus far.**_  
**_Besides school, I hope you are continuing with your training. I am curious to see how your Escrima is coming along, we'll have to give it a go at some point to see how well you hold up._**  
**_Make sure to drop in on Susan before you just run off._**  
  
_Wait, Audra sparred with the First Elder?_  
  
'You and the First Elder sparred after you learned this Escrima? Did you defeat him as you did us?'  
  
'Ha! No. I got my ass handed to me.'  
  
Arthur arched an eyebrow and turned to face her, arm draping on the couch cushion next to her legs, looking up at her expectantly.  
Chuckling when she flushed, tucking her hair behind her ear before clearing her throat.  
  
'The way I am with you guys is vastly different than how I was back then. I was considerably more shy and hesitant. Meek...that was a good word for me. And while I wasn't as shy with Rog and the guys, I didn't have a fraction of the confidence I do now.'  
  
He had a hard time picturing her as anything less than the person he knew now. The woman who took him down the first time they met and who had zero problems standing up to an Elder of the Brotherhood. The woman who fought deathclaws and had multiple lovers. The woman who was loud and brash but also soft and kind.  
He flushed a little as his thoughts got away from him, focusing back on her as she got a faraway look, smiling just a bit before looking down at him.  
  
'I was scared of hitting the guys, I didn't want to hurt them. It was Roger who knocked me on my ass and told me not to hold back in a fight. Then he did pretty much the one thing to guarantee that I would do everything I could to win.'  
  
'What was that?'  
  
'He said maybe I couldn't do it, maybe I couldn't beat him.'  
  
It took just a moment for it to sink in and then he was laughing hard, because he could just imagine little Audra next to Roger Maxson, being told she couldn't do something and getting that one look on her face. The same one she had when he told her she couldn't go with Danse before she proceeded to show them exactly what she could do. The same look she had on her face when she pulled a damn power suit over. Frowning and remembering her wince of pain, wondering what she meant earlier by her healing.  
  
(Can't Get You Out Of My Head, Epic Trailer Version - J2 feat. Sara Phillips)  
  
He glanced over at her and she was looking at one of the pictures but had that far away look again like she wasn't really seeing it and he wondered what her reaction would be if he leant up to kiss her, looking back down at the letter in his hand, wondering how he could broach the subject of outlining whatever this was between them.  
  
She shifted positions and he couldn't help but get distracted by her legs. That one night, he'd almost kissed her but she was still shaking from her nightmare and he did not wish to take advantage but it was the worst kind of torture, smelling her sweet scent as he carded his fingers through her hair. Then she touched his scar and he couldn't help but tense up, the way she looked at him was very...intense and he couldn't remember anyone ever actually touching his scars beyond when they were still healing. When she stood in front of him and he brushed his thumb over her scars...he desperately wanted to grab her and pull her down onto his lap.  
Audra shifted again and he had to move slightly to relieve some of the pressure in his jeans and then suddenly she was pulling his head back and he couldn't stop the surprised sound of pleasure from coming out. The fist in his hair and the teeth on his neck had him achingly hard in seconds, Audra teased at his jaw and earlobe and all of a sudden he was surrounded by a cloud of sweet-smelling hair. Blinking up at her as she pulled her hair away trying to pull himself together but she let out this moan that had him twitching and suddenly she was sliding onto his lap.  
  
'Audra.'  
  
He needed to think, they needed to...fuck, she felt good. Reaching down and grabbing handfuls of her ass and yanking her closer.  
  
'Yes, Arthur?'  
  
It was not right, no one should sound that good. That little breathless whisper making him ache even more. Blinking trying to remember what he was supposed to be saying. Holding on tight to her but trying to focus.  
  
'You said before you were not sure but then these last few days...you...we...you tell me to stop and I will stop. Do you want me to stop?'  
  
Then she was turning her eyes up at him and he thought that his heart may have stopped, really really hoping she did not want to stop. He couldn't remember the last time he wanted someone so badly but he did not want to seem too eager, he was an Elder...  
  
'No. Do you want to stop?'  
  
'No.'  
  
His brain gave up trying to make sense and stay calm as he ground up against her, letting go of one side to cup the back of her neck and pull her up, kissing hard. They were a little overzealous and the kiss was all teeth and tongue and breathless laughter.  
  
'General? There was a message from Doctor Amari requesting you stop by tomorrow on your way...'  
  
Audra looked at him curiously when he lifted her off his lap and set her down on the floor, standing and adjusting himself before opening the door with a low growl.  
  
'The General is currently occupied and will be for the foreseeable future.'  
  
'Tell her I'll swing by tomorrow, Allen, thank you!'  
  
She called out before he could slam the door, looking up at him, eyes dancing with laughter and she looked beautiful. It only took three strides before he was yanking her up and kissing her till they were breathless, a hand on her lower back, holding her close. Resting his cheek against the top of her head as they caught their breath.  
  
'I swear to god, I'm shooting the next person that interrupts us.'  
  
'Arthur!'  
  
She tried to sound scandalized but it was obviously taking too much effort not to giggle, grabbing the front of his shirt and yanking him down into another kiss.  
  
'Arthur...please?'  
  
_Jesus Christ..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to have more Audra/Arthur but it was getting too long so stay tuned for some Maxson smut in the near future ;)


	8. The Good Times of Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this chapter is just Maxson smut. I have no excuses or regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally did not have them hooking up until much later but this just felt right.

Audra flicked her tongue over his lower lip before backing away, meandering down the hall slowly, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Arthur was following.  
  
(#1 Crush - Garbage)  
  
She had to stop herself from giggling like an idiot, slightly in shock that they were actually doing this, breath hitching when he started forward. Backing up a little faster, Arthur stalking after her like he was hunting her, making something deep inside of her want to run.  
  
She gave into that primal urge and ran the last little bit to the bedroom, heart pounding when she heard his footsteps behind her and the low chuckle, making her insides clench. Gasping when he grabbed her hand and spun her around to face him. Audra looked up at him, wide-eyed in the face of that intense stare, his face clear in the moonlight streaming through the windows.  
  
Had his eyes always had that edge of silver in the blue?  
  
He backed her into the wall, feeling the wetness begin to soak through her panties as he trapped her between his arms, blocking her in and looking down at her. His eyes were as wide as hers, pausing and looking uncertain a moment before asking her softly.  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'God, yes.'  
  
The relief on his face made her heart flop and she reached up, caressing his cheek softly before grabbing his shirt, yanking him down enough to kiss him gently.  
  
'Please, Arthur?'  
  
He groaned against her mouth and she twitched a little in surprise when he moved away, yanking the curtains closed, the only light coming from the soft glow of the hallway through the crack in the door. Dropping down to his knees in front of her, flushing at the smirk on his upturned face, making his eyes go dark when she lightly ran her fingers over his scar and down to his chin.  
  
'Please?'  
  
There was something about the way that seemed to catch him by surprise every time she said it that made her want to keep pleading with him, despite her previous assertion that she would fight him if they ever did this. Biting her lip when he pushed her t-shirt up and pressed a warm kiss on her stomach, making her laugh and try to yank the shirt back down when he flicked his tongue at the top of her belly button.  
  
'Be. Still.'  
  
She arched an eyebrow at his command but couldn't stop the tremble in her knees at his authoritative tone, feeling his hands slide up the outside of her thighs slowly. Audra thought she could hold it back but she couldn't resist pushing back, grabbing a handful of hair and tugging his head back so he was looking up into her eyes once more.  
  
'Make me.'  
  
His eyes flashed dangerously and she briefly wondered if he could smell how excited that look made her, gasping when his fingers dipped under her waistband and he proceeded to yank her shorts and underwear down, lifting one leg and pulling off her boot followed by the bit of cloth. The moan that came out of her was positively salacious, still hanging onto his hair, pushing him forward as he pulled her leg over his shoulder. Audra whined as he turned his head and licked the wetness that had coated the inside of her thighs, trying to roll her hips forward, hissing as he gripped her hips hard enough to bruise. He turned and licked again and each time his grip would slacken she would squirm until he grabbed her again, laughing breathlessly when he frowned up at her.  
  
'I said make...ahhhh!'  
  
She was grateful for his tight grip when he drug the flat of his tongue over her clit with a little grunt, making her knee quake, pulling the leg over his shoulder tighter as he started really started licking at her. Her head fell back against the wall with a loud thunk, eyes fluttering closed and just enjoying for a moment, the rough scrape of his beard against the soft skin driving her crazy. Letting go of his hair, hands fisting at her sides as he drove her crazy, just enough pressure to be pleasurable but not enough to drive her higher.  
Audra let out a sharp, keening moan when he slid a finger inside her slowly and thrust it in and out for a moment before joining it with a second, nipping at her clit lightly. She could hear his muffled laughter as he held her up by the leg over his shoulder when her knee gave out, sliding his fingers out and hanging onto her hips again, pulling his head back with a look that was all pride.  
  
_That's a good look on him._  
  
Audra bit her lower lip, taking in that proud gaze and the way her juices still clung to his beard, on his knees with a very prominent bulge pushing at the front of his jeans. Taking a deep breath and getting her leg back under her, unwinding her other leg from his shoulder and steadying herself before pulling her shirt off, keeping her eyes on his as she pulled her bra off. The way his eyes narrowed when her breasts fell free had her feeling mischievous. He hadn't earned that possessive look yet, wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue again before curling her lip into a smirk.  
  
'You look good on your knees.'  
  
(Dark In My Imagination - of Verona)  
  
There was a flash of anger but there was also the underlying desire that she knew would be there, raising an eyebrow in challenge, head cocking to the side just a little. When he didn't move or say anything her heart began to pound harder, voice coming out as just a soft purr as she lifted her other leg.  
  
'Take my other boot off...please.'  
  
He reached up and worked her boot off, tossing it over his shoulder once it was off, he was trying to look disgruntled but she could feel his fingers trail from her foot and up the back of her calf.  
  
'Mmm...higher.'  
  
Arthur shifted so he was on one knee with the other leg bent, trying to find a comfortable position as he slid his hand up the inside of her other thigh, she could see his jaw clench when his fingers brushed the lips. Feeling the juices starting to drip from how insanely turned on she was as his fingertips just brushed along the outside, one of her hands reaching up and cupping a tit, playing with a nipple as she reached down and caressed his cheek lightly with the other hand.  
  
'See how wet you're making me, Arthur?'  
  
He let out a little moan that was overshadowed by her yelp when he suddenly stood, yanking her legs around his waist and pressing her against the wall, her sounds of surprise dissolving into whimpers as he ground his hips into hers.  
  
'And see what you do to me, Audra?'  
  
Once the room stopped spinning from how fucking hot he sounded, she wrapped her arms around his neck and tightened her legs around his waist, kissing deeply. His lips tasted like her and she attacked him, more tongue than lips, pulling her arms back to hold his face between her hands. She whined a little when his jeans rubbed against her uncomfortably, squirming until he put her down, breathing like he'd been running a marathon. She ran her hands up under his t-shirt feeling the fuzz on his stomach and chest and the underlying muscle.  
  
'You are wearing entirely too much clothing...'  
  
He started to shrug off the flannel shirt but went still at a look from her, pulling her hands out of his shirt and sliding up the front, locking on those beautiful steel eyes as she grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and ripped it down the front like it was a piece of paper. He was in shock as she turned them so his back was against the wall this time, nuzzling his chest as she slid her hands down and worked his jeans open impatiently, hearing the sharp inhale as she slid down. The hair had flopped down over his brow again and he just looked so fucking handsome, eyes dropping from his face to what was in front of her.  
He looked painfully hard, his cock peeking out the band of his boxers, smacking her lips when she saw the string of wetness there. Pushing his boxers and jeans down around his knees as she drug the flat of her tongue up the underside of his cock, the tip of her tongue gathering the bead at the little slit, shivering at the desperate noise he made. He huffed a few times and she looked up again curiously, posing a silent question as he scowled down at her before his mask slipped just a little and her heart ached at the unequivocal need she saw there.  
  
'Audra...please.'  
  
Her eyes went wide and she knew how much that must have cost him, to show that little bit of what could be deemed weakness and it just renewed her desire to show him all the affection. Not just here, now, but all the time. More of the hugs and kisses and little caresses and everyone else be damned for not giving him that touch and making him shut himself away and slowly go touch-starved.  
She gave him a soft smile, caressing over his hips and down his legs, winding her arms around and hanging on as she took the tip of him into her mouth and sucked softly. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the taste of him on her tongue and took in the smell of his desire as her lips slowly sank down to the root of him and he just let out a long low groan. She could feel his eyes locked on her head, watching her move but he was practically vibrating, fists clenched at his side and muscles so tight from trying to hold still. That wouldn't do.  
Audra bobbed up and down slowly a few more times before pulling back, releasing his cock with a loud pop, looking up at his sound of protest.  
  
'Don't hold back, please. I won't break.'  
  
She took one of his hands and lifted it, placing it on the top of her head and humming when his fingers tightened in her hair. She wound her arms back around his legs and hung on, starting to suck him, keeping eye contact. She saw the hesitation there but something else, something dark behind those light eyes, moaning around him when his other hand tangled in her hair. He had a good grip on her head and looked at her one last time for reassurance before his hips snapped forward, she gagged just a little but slid her hands up and hung on to that gorgeous ass, pushing him forward more. He started fucking her mouth in earnest and that apparently was the signal to open the flood gates, the loud moans and dirty utterances coming from him such a stark contrast to his reticent demeanor of earlier. Making sure her lips were curled over her teeth as she sucked her cheeks in and let him control the speed and depth, letting him use her mouth as he needed.  
  
'Fuck, Audra...do you know what you look like with my cock in your mouth? Your lips were made to be used. Ever since you stormed on to my ship and into my fucking life....Ahhh, shit, again. Do that again.'  
  
She closed her eyes as he pushed her head forward and she fought her gag reflex, swallowing so her throat contracted around him, pulling back just a little when she saw the signs. Moaning and swallowing rapidly as he came with a roar and it was her turn to reach up and hold him up by his hips, taking every little bit he gave her and sucking gently till he pulled away, over sensitive and red in the face.  
She could practically see the walls slamming back up and she stood, tugging his head down to look at her with a soft smile, watching his brain stall before he leant down and kissed her sweetly. It did not seem to bother him that he just came in her mouth, kissing for a minute before shrugging his flannel and torn t-shirt completely off, kicking boots and then pants and boxers off before sweeping her up into his arms and crossing over to the bed. Setting her down on one side before stretching out on the other side next to her.  
Audra just looked over every inch of him as he lay there, all the firm muscle and dark hair, scars she hadn't noticed before. Actually looking at the scar that ran across his abdomen from the deathclaw. With the way that he had reacted when she touched the scar on his face initially, she never really paid it much mind, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. Hesitantly reaching out and brushing her fingertips over it, watching his muscles twitch, pulling her hand back when he cleared his throat. He caught her hand and placed it back on him, flushing and looking his age when he stared at the wall across from them, an embarrassed look on his face.  
  
'I...apologize for the brevity...if you just give me a moment.'  
  
'Arthur, I loved that. I loved that I made you lose control and we can always go another round or more if we want. Or we can just cuddle, I missed when we cuddled on your bed. Though seeing you on this bed just makes me wonder how we both managed to fit on that little bed.'  
  
She rubbed her palm over his stomach and leant over, placing soft kisses along the scar before cuddling against his side, resting her chin on his chest and looking up at him. He was still red so she went into the talk, discussing that this was what it was for now since she was leaving and that they would need to use protection. That if they ever decided they wanted more and as long as everyone was aware and okay with it, then they could talk about more, but that was for later.  
She could feel the desire coiling in her belly again as he started to stroke her arms and back, tugging her up and kissing deeply, moaning into his mouth when she felt him pressing at her hip. She splayed across his lap to grab a condom from the drawer, making a sound that was part indignant/part moan when he brought his hand down on her rear with a loud crack.  
  
Arthur was smirking at her and she squirmed so his hard-on pressed against her side and made him tense, thrusting against her a little and scowling, grabbing the condom from her and impatiently rolling it down his length, looking at her wonderingly before flipping her so she was on her back and he was over her. Braced on his arms and looking at her, nerves hidden or pushed aside as he took a deep breath.  
  
'Yes?'  
  
Audra spread her legs wide and arched her back so he rubbed against her, her first thought to make some smart-ass comment, but staring up at his face and melting. Caressing his cheek and leaning up to kiss softly, mumbling against his lips.  
  
'Yes, please, Arthur. I want you.'  
  
His face was serious as he lowered his body over hers, holding himself in one hand as he worked her wetness around her entrance and over his length. Whispering his name over and over as he settled between her thighs and started to press into her. He was thick and it felt divine, gasping and begging for more, not even caring how needy she sounded.  
  
'Please...please...ohh god Arthur, please...'  
  
He let out a little groan when he was fully inside her, their pelvis' pressed together, just pressing down into her as he leant on his arms. She wasn't sure if he was pulsing or if she was feeling her own heartbeat in her nether regions from all the blood rushing through but she thought she might go crazy if he didn't start to move. Trying to squirm and whining when he snapped again.  
  
'Be still.'  
  
He was glaring at her but there was something else there and Audra cried out when his mouth slammed into hers just at he pulled back and slammed down into her. He pinned her arms down to the bed and leant back up at just an angle that every time he slammed into her, he would grind down on her clit, making her eyes roll back in her head. She thought she knew, she thought she had an idea of how intense it would be but it was nothing. He was going to be aching tomorrow and she was going to be until she healed, fighting against him, bucking and thrashing but letting him keep a hold of her. She could throw him across the room if she wanted but it felt so good she just wanted him to keep going.  
He leant down to kiss her and she nipped at his lip sharply, making him hiss and yank back, lip swollen. Looking at him with a possessive grin and bucking up enough that she could clamp her teeth on his neck, high enough that it would not be hidden by his suit, soothing the bitemark with the tip of her tongue.  
  
'They're going to see how I marked you, they're going to know you fucked me and you're going to go back to the ship and they're all going to see how I made you mine.'  
  
Arthur groaned and she yanked her arms out of his grasp, nails dragging down his back before flipping him so she was on top, rolling her hips again and again and again. He gripped her hips and bent his knees so he lean up slightly, controlling her thrusts, biting at the tops of her breasts. She was getting close and she cried out, warning him, when he slowed to a gentle rock.  
  
'Damn it...fuck, Arthur, please?'  
  
'Ask me again.'  
  
'Please, Arthur?'  
  
'What do you want?'  
  
'Please take me and let me cum on you, darling.'  
  
'Promise. Promise you'll come back.'  
  
His voice was rough with emotion and the look in his eyes was breaking her heart because she didn't know what would happen to him if another person left him. Stopping her squirming and pulling his arms around her, arms around his neck and holding tightly, kissing him lovingly....because she did, she really did love him as foolish as it was. Biting back the words, not wanting to blurt them right now, wanting to make sure he understood them when she did.  
  
'Audra...I...'  
  
She kissed him hard and cut off the words, it was her turn to look at him seriously as he frowned at her about to open his mouth again, trembling as he started to rock her again.  
  
'After...tell me...after.'  
  
Arthur kissed her and she realised she tasted tears as she screamed against his mouth, falling apart, only held up by his strong arms. He called her name as his rhythm faltered and he just held her tight, kissing her again and again before eventually scooting so they could lie down on the bed. He set her to the side and dealt with the condom before gathering her in his arms and pulling the blanket over, her eyes were so heavy and he smelled so good, the random thought popping in her head that they needed to have sex while she wore his battlecoat so he could smell her afterwards. Finding his hand and lacing her fingers with his.  
  
'I promise.'  
  
-  
  
She drifted off and he just gathered her closer, sighing and staring at the ceiling.  
  
He'd almost told her he loved her.  
  
Scowling in the dark but pressing a kiss on the top of her head when she squirmed, looking down at the small woman and fighting the fear that had been pressing at him, wondering what the hell this device was that was supposed to take her to the Institute.  
His brain was just buzzing from everything he'd learned the last few days and he almost busted out laughing.  
  
_I just fucked the Queen of Hearts._  
  
He might have been able to spend hours between her legs if they weren't so eager, the taste and the way she responded drove him mad and the way she fought against him, challenging him like she always did was much more of a turn on when she was naked just for him. He flushed, slightly embarrassed about how quickly he came but her mouth was like no other he'd ever had and she threw herself into the task like she did everything else. Unable to stop the soft chuckle when he remembered what she did to his shirt, he'd have to take one of his back from her, amazed at how strong she was.  
Audra shifted again in her sleep and he nuzzled at her softly, sighing when he remembered her tears. Tomorrow would come too soon and she would leave and that made him worry in a way that he hadn't allowed himself to in a very long time.  
  
He knew he should sleep but he just lay there, eyes just taking all of her in, he could go back to worrying about things later, for now they were just Arthur and Audra. Speaking of things to worry about, he wondered what the other Elders would thing when they found out, though he might just conveniently skip over that fact when he sent his report. There was going to be plenty enough for them to be upset about. He was going to have to speak with Garvey or Sturges about getting a scribe out to review everything, perhaps even Proctor Quinlan himself, wondering how they were going to react to the news.  
  
'Stop thinking, worry about that tomorrow.'  
  
He looked down as she voiced what he had just been telling himself moments ago, chuckling a bit.  
  
'But there is so much to think about, whatever am I going to do to stay distracted?'  
  
'Mmmm, I'm sure we can think of something.'  
  
She yawned and pulled him down for a kiss and he rolled so he was practically lying over her side, propped up on an elbow and cupping her face with his other hand, looking down at her.  
  
'You did make a rather interesting noise when I spanked you, I wonder what other noises you might make?'  
  
She rolled onto her stomach and pulled her knees under her, so her nice round ass was pushed up into the air and he was instantly ready to go again. Grinning at her when she folded her arms and rested her cheek on them, turning to look at him expectantly.  
  
She was right, they could think about things later.

-

It was hours later and she certainly did make some interesting noises as he took her hard from behind and watched the way her pale skin turned a lovely shade of red with each smack. They went two other times besides that and he finally started to feel the ache and fatigue slow him down.

Yawning and pulling her into his arms once again, eyes getting heavy. Suddenly the thought of something she might like popping into his head. He'd have to remember to have them send the box of his father's stuff straight away, he could think of no one else he would rather give it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much just angst up ahead for a good while :(


	9. Those Who Turn One Into the Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audra makes it to the Institute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! And I really am still working on this, writer's block sucks. It's gonna start getting really really angsty and rough for Audra once again, making it to the Institute not working out how she'd hoped.

Someone was knocking incessantly and Audra finally grunted something that sounded like an affirmation, the door opening slightly as she glared as much as she could from where her face was smooshed into the pillow.  
Danse peeked around the door to make sure they were mostly decent before stepping in and she just scowled further, grumbling before he could even open his mouth.  
  
'Oh my god, Danse, either strip down or fuck off. I know we have shit to do today but I doubt the sun is barely up yet and I was hoping to get one more ride on the Elder in before running off. So, unless you plan on climbing in bed, we'll be out a little bit later after we get showered up, okay?'  
  
She's sat up just enough that the sheet was barely covering her chest, hair sticking up all crazy, raising an eyebrow at the man as he blushed and stammered a bit before practically slamming the door behind himself. Lying back down with a little yawn, grinning when she felt the bed shaking as an arm snaked around her waist, dragging her against his chest. They both had morning breath but that didn't seem to matter as he rolled over her, kissing deeply in between chuckles, moaning softly when he nipped her neck.  
  
'Must you tease my Paladin, so?'  
  
'MMmmm, I can't help it, he blushes so pretty. Oh my, speaking of pretty...'  
  
Audra laughed as she kissed the plethora of little bite marks that now covered Arthur's neck and shoulders and chest, flushing softly when she looked up and he was watching her with a slightly goofy look on his face.  
  
'I'd apologize but I'm really not sorry, you look so well fucked.'  
  
Moaning softly when she felt him twitch over her and roll to the side, quickly grabbing a condom before rolling back to her. Settling himself between her legs and pressing at her entrance, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him in deeply, Arthur grabbing her hands and pinning her arms above her head. God, he could go from chuckling to intense in a blink of an eye and it was twisting up her insides at how much she realised she liked that, how much she enjoyed being kept on her toes by him. Calling out his name as he slammed into her hard, looking at her till her focus was back on him completely and he had this little smug smirk that made her clench around him.  
  
As much as they were tempted to take their time, reality started to settle in and their movements got a bit rougher, more desperate. Kissing him hard as she clung to his shoulders and he slammed into her like he was trying to imprint the memory of her into his mind. Crying out when he tried to pull away and she arched, screaming his name and holding him tight with her legs, his forehead dropping to hers as he let go and joined her.  
  
It was probably only a minute or two but it felt much longer, Arthur groaning and trying to roll to the side but she didn't want to let go just yet, keeping her legs around him as she ran her hands up and down his back slowly.  
  
'Not yet, please?'  
  
He was heavy but it was a comforting weight as he scooted down a little so his face was pressed into her neck, pressing a soft kiss on her jawline. She could feel him tense before he spoke, stroking his hair soothingly as she waited for him to gather his thoughts, swallowing around the lump in her throat when he finally spoke.  
  
'I love you, Audra.'  
  
It was so soft, she could almost pretend she didn't hear it but she couldn't stop herself from tensing and felt horrible when he sucked in his breath. Tilting his head up so she could look at him...god, he looked so young in that moment and she wondered if he'd ever confessed that to someone before. Nuzzling and kissing him softly, pulling back a little and really looking at him before pressing her forehead to his again.  
  
(God is a woman - Ariana Grande)  
  
'I love you too, Arthur.'  
  
And she did...once again thinking to herself that she was some kind of special masochist, feeling that twist in her heart as they finally pulled away, sitting there on the bed for a moment and just watched as he gathered his clothes. Smiling softly when he looked at her questioningly, standing and sliding into his arms, pressing her naked body against his bare chest. Chuckling when he looked at his ripped t-shirt and proceeded to button up his flannel. Letting out a little sigh and pulling away, throwing on a pair of dirty shorts and shirt and grabbing some clean clothes, quickly digging in the bedside drawer before moving over and lacing her fingers with his.  
  
'Come on, let's go get cleaned up.'  
  
Even with the extra time they spent in bed, it was still pretty early, most people just starting to rouse. Waving at Marcy as she came out and started tending to the corn, earning a grunt of acknowledgement. There was no one else in the bathhouse so she locked the door behind them and drug him to the shower.  
She was glad she grabbed another condom when he took her in the shower once more, he had to be incredibly sore, even she was a bit tender but she could feel the desperation in both of them. This would be the last time for who knows how long...maybe the last time, period.  
  
'Hey, you can change your mind. Your Shadow seems willing enough to go...'  
  
She looked at him as he dressed...flannel with no undershirt, love bites everywhere, hair flopping down over his forehead...he looked wonderful and so young and scared and she knew as soon as they stepped out those doors, his Elder face would have to go back on and it made her incredibly sad. Stepping forward and just surrounding herself with him, nose pressing against his chest a moment before looking up.  
  
'I have to do this.'  
  
There might have been a brief flash of anger but there was resignation, as well, brushing his hair into a semblance of order before going for the door. Surprising her when he unlocked it and waited for her, hand held out, sliding her hand into his and going to face the music.  
  
It didn't take them long to get back over to Red Rocket and Audra blushed a little when she saw Nick, Sturges and Mac sitting on the bench outside smoking and talking. Sturges had an arm around Mac and they just looked so cosy it made her smile, she'd have to ask Sturges later if they did anything after Mac caught them leaving the shower.  
Nick saw them first and it was one of the few times she slightly resented his harder to read synth face because he was looking at them then at Arthur and all the evidence of their night, not giving anything away, she smiled at him tentatively and it broke into a grin when he raised his metal hand and gave her a little wave and she knew they were good. Sturges let out a wolf whistle when he saw them, which had Dogmeat come barreling out to greet them and Mac raised an eyebrow and made Arthur flush. Chuckling as she let go of Arthur's hand to run over to them and flop across their laps, head on Nicks' shoulder, ass on Sturges' lap while Mac hugged her legs looking worried she'd fall off.  
  
'Hello, my loves. Everyone ready for a trek?'  
  
She almost wished she hadn't said anything with the way all of their faces fell but it was time, it was time for her to go find Shaun.  
  
'We could...you could use the vertibirds to drop you off.'  
  
Audra smiled at Arthur's offer and held out a hand, surprised once again when he stepped forward and slid his hand in hers, a serious look on his face.  
  
'I have to swing by Goodneighbor but if they could drop us off closer, that would be greatly appreciated. We'll need several of them or a couple and they'll have to make a few trips.'  
  
'If people don't mind, a few trips would be easier and we could send one to bring the others south after.'  
  
She couldn't help but beam up at him as he flushed and looked awkward for a moment and she got the feeling the others were all staring at him, looking at Robert when he cleared his throat.  
  
'So, Queenie, you turning into a vampire or something, I mean I know you like bites but damn.'  
  
Arthur turned bright red and scowled as they chuckled.  
  
'Oh, fuck off MacCready.'  
  
'Language...my god, who would think the Elder had such a potty mouth.'  
  
'That's rich coming from you.'  
  
Arthur snorted and Mac grinned and Nick shifted a little with a chuckle, ignoring the younger men's protests when he spoke up.  
  
'Enough flirting, you two, Audra needs some food. I can hear her stomach from here.'  
  
She slid off Mac's lap and ignored their surprised fish faces, taking Nick's arm as he escorted her inside to grab some food, breaking off to hop on John's lap and give him a kiss when she saw him on one of the couches. He tasted strongly of cigarettes and jet and she frowned just a little as he reached up and cupped her face.  
  
'Just a little high, sunshine, didn't get too much sleep thinking about ya leaving us.'  
  
'I'll be back, John.'  
  
'Sure, sunshine, sure.'  
  
She didn't know how to reassure him further, sliding off to the side and under his arm when Nick came back and handed her a plate with some mutfruit and razorgrain toast. Everyone wandered in and out and she couldn't help but be extra affectionate, trying not to let the worry start to take over and it felt like it was too soon when the vertibirds came.  
Arthur, Danse, Haylen, and she piled into one. Nick, John, Mac, and Sturges on the other. They would drop them off outside of Goodneighbor before taking the rest back to the Prydwen and returning for everyone else. She could see Swan's pond rapidly approaching and she felt like it was hard to swallow, reaching over and finding Arthur's hand. He held onto her even as she dropped down to the ground and finally turned to look up at him. She had to yell to be heard over the vertibird, ignoring the surprised looks of Danse, Haylen, and the pilot.  
  
'I love you, Arthur. Keep the radio close, I'll let you know when I'm back.'  
  
He looked conflicted for just a moment before yanking her forward and kissing her hard. At some point, her eyes closed and she smiled faintly against his lips, he smelled like her soap mixed with his own scent and it made her feel a little weak in the knees, that and how rough his voice was when he yelled back.  
  
'I love you too, be safe. Ad Victoriam.'  
  
Audra choked back the tears that threatened to fall, running into Mac's arms when he held them open after the other vertibird dropped them off, watching as they both took off. Arthur lent out the side slightly and they watched each other until the vertibird was out of view.  
She was quiet as they made their way to Goodneighbor but had to smile when Daisy yelled for her to come over and give her a hug as soon as they walked through the doors. Giving the woman a hug and a kiss on the cheek before running to see Amari while the guys got some ammo and stuff. She gave Amari a blood sample and let her do a couple scans, relieved when the doc said she looked fine and there was nothing that seemed off thus far. She surprised the doc when she gave her a hug before leaving, stepping out and over to the Rail to give Mags and Ham a hug ignoring their confused faces. Mickey and Sully gave her big hugs and asked why the boss was sad and she felt like crap when she told them it was her fault because she had to go away for a bit. Fahr scooped her up and drug her into the other room, leaving the guys on the couches looking confused.  
  
'You ready for this?'  
  
'As ready as I'll ever be.'  
  
'You...you better come back, otherwise, I'll kill ya. It would break him if you didn't come back.'  
  
'I'll be back. Take care of him while I'm gone? Get Mac and Nick to come kick his butt out and about if you need to? And you be careful too, John told me what was up. Got me, bitch?'  
  
Fahr snorted at her but looked like a lost child for a moment when she hugged her again.  
  
'Got it.'  
  
Fahr stepped out and Audra took a second to gather herself, jumping when she heard the click of the door, watching John lean against it.  
  
'Sunshine...'  
  
She was in his arms in just a few steps, kissing him hard and whimpering when he lifted her, dropping her on the bed and yanking her pants off. They didn't say anything, undressing just enough that he could grab a condom and slide into her, he looked at her and when she looked back at him with tears in her eyes he made a sound of distress and frustration. He took her roughly, hips snapping into her desperately, a hand at her throat as he devoured her lips.  
They were done all too soon and she pushed his hat away as he collapsed against her chest, lying there on the bed a moment as she ran her hand over the rough skin on his head.  
  
'Audra...'  
  
She knew it was bad when he used her name and sounded like that.  
  
'I love you, John.'  
  
'I love you too...you...you don't take any shit and you come back, you understand?'  
  
'Yes, Sir.'  
  
He chuckled just a little and they straightened themselves up before joining the others, no one looking surprised in the slightest, sighing and pressing another little kiss on John before grabbing her bag after Glory and Julian showed up. She did cry this time as they left the gates, Glory slinging an arm over her shoulders.  
  
'Dez wants you to stop by real quick.'  
  
The guys went to the old coffee shop the Minutemen had kept clear of raiders while she went with Glory to HQ, heart in her throat when she saw him leaning up against the bricks.  
  
'Heya Charmer, Dez has a mighty interesting proposition for ya.'  
  
She didn't know what to say to him so she just nodded and followed, listening to Dez as she told her about Patriot, agreeing to try and find the one helping. Tom presented her with an updated prototype, this one a bit smaller and as he said, 'A whole lot less likely to fuck up.'  
Hugs were had all around and she tried not to let it show how much it hurt when she turned around and he was gone, heart nearly jumping out of her chest when she ran headfirst into his chest as she rounded the corner for the stairs. She couldn't stop herself, pushing him back against the wall and kissing him hard enough that she could taste the blood from where her lip cut against her teeth.  
  
(Every Breath You Take - Chase Holfelder)  
  
He wrapped her up and softened the kiss, holding her tight and pressing his forehead to hers. It was too much...too soon. She was still upset from him, whimpering and squirming out of his arms, grabbing her pack and starting up the stairs.  
  
'Chunk...'  
  
'Let's go.'  
  
She could see his jaw clench but he just followed, they moved quickly, not wanting it to get too late and put this off for another day. Hurrying back south, it was afternoon by the time they made it to the Castle, Ronnie greeting them at the gate and letting her know that the boat was ready and that Preston had radioed, letting them know that Vault 95 was cleared and that Curie was getting ready to monitor Cait for the cure. She felt like it was a weight off her chest and smiled at the older woman, making sure none of the guys were in earshot when she reached into her bag.  
  
'Ronnie, can I ask something of you?'  
  
'What is it, General?'  
  
'If...if something goes wrong and I don't make it back, can you make sure these letters get delivered?'  
  
Ronnie gave her a stern look but took the letters and shook her hand firmly before turning away, looking up when Julian walked up in front of her.  
  
'Are you ready? I could go, you don't have to risk yourself or Dolos...I know what you are going to say, but I feel like it would be remiss of me not to offer, as your protector and all. Besides, I kinda got used to this...having you around and stuff, shorty.'  
  
'Fuck you.'  
  
'You don't have a dick, so not really tempting me there.'  
  
'Please, I exude big dick energy, you already know this.'  
  
They both bust out laughing and she wondered how the hell things had worked out, actually feeling kinda optimistic about everything. She took the offered hand and he slung an arm around her shoulder and she felt like he would have fit right in with everyone in Modesto.  
  
Sturges got silent as the boat got closer to the island and she just hung onto him when he pulled her onto his lap, the lull of the water and the steady sound of his heartbeat thumping nearly putting her to sleep, lips twitching as he played with the ring on her finger. She reluctantly let him go when they docked and he went with Virgil to get the equipment ready.  
  
Audra felt Dee before he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her and she could tell he had been crying and felt the tears fill her eyes again, finding his hand and holding it against her heart. They didn't say anything and she didn't know if she should or if that would just make things worse, feeling the way he stiffened when Sturges called out to say that they were ready.  
  
They were all lined up and she was starting to feel the nerves build...she was going to go find Shaun.  
  
_Focus._  
  
She gave them each a kiss and told them how much she loved them, trying not to linger, lest her courage fail and stepped up onto the platform. She looked at them, the ones she loved so very fucking much and she hoped they understood, eyes finally falling on Deacon.  
He looked terrified when the tube started flailing about, despite Sturges forced joke that it was supposed to happen and she heard him call out that he loved her just as there was a deafening clap and she was blinded by the light.  
  
Audra fell to her knees when she felt solid again, dropping down onto some kind of rubberized mat and it reminded her of coming out of the cryotube so much she had to crawl to the side and empty her stomach. It was only after she wiped her mouth that she really hoped no one was around to have seen that but no alarms or anything was going off yet.  
Stumbling out of the room and not seeing anyone around, going to the terminal there and poking about, popping in the holotape Sturges had her take. There wasn't anything particularly interesting on the terminal, grabbing the tape once it was done and taking Kellogg's gun in hand as she started to make her way down some stairs.  
  
'Hello...I wondered if you might make it here. You're quite resourceful. I am known as Father, the Institute is under my guidance. I know why you're here. I'd like to discuss things with you, face-to-face. Please, step into the elevator.'  
  
There was something about the voice that was making her stomach churn and she tried to force her way into the broken door she found, not really wanting to step into the elevator. Looking around, trying to figure out where he was watching her from before realising there was nowhere else to go and giving in.  
  
'I can only imagine what you've heard, what you think of us. I'd like to show you that you may have...the wrong impression. Welcome to the Institute.'  
  
She was prepared to make a smartass comment to the condescending bastard that was speaking but the words died on her lips as the walls opened up and she looked down at the space around her. It was...amazing.  
  
(Bad Moon Rising - The Mynabirds)  
  
As amazing as it was, it looked too...sterile and the feeling of unease came back hard. He kept talking but she just tightened her grip on the gun and tried to find any evidence of Shaun, tensing when the elevator stopped.  
  
_Why aren't they doing anything...this is too easy._  
  
'But that can wait. You are here for a specific, very personal reason. You are here for your son.'  
  
Audra's head snapped up and she glared into space as she yelled out.  
  
'Where is he? Where is my Shaun you asshole??'  
  
The man didn't answer and that only irritated her further, getting into the next elevator and starting to feel like a lab rat in a maze. Her heart stopping when the doors opened and she saw the little figure with white hair sitting there. She'd seen him...in Kellogg's memories but it was much more jarring to see him sitting just right over there. Whatever had turned her hair white must have affected him, too. The hand not holding the gun clenched into a fist until she could feel the bite of her nails in her skin, forcing herself forward, past all the doubts she was having.  
  
Those...assholes were keeping him in a tiny room like some kind of fucking animal in a pen. Hands shaking as she moved to the door and tried to open it. She wasn't as familiar with the workings of the mechanism and choked up when she couldn't get it open, placing a hand against the glass and tapping softly.  
  
'Shaun?'  
  
The blood was rushing in her ears and she sank down to the floor, putting the gun back in its holster and kneeling there so she was closer, voice soft.  
  
'Huh? Yes...I'm Shaun.'  
  
'Shaun...is that really you?'  
  
She couldn't help but smile and tear up, he was so handsome. He looked so much like Nate, just lanky...but he had her face and her eyes. Shaun looked at her curiously and it made her heart clench because it looked so much like Da when he was trying to figure out how to take something apart.  
  
'Who...who are you?'  
  
'Shaun, it's me. I'm...I'm your mom.'  
  
She could feel her heart breaking at the panicked look on his face, backing away from the glass. As much as she wanted to run in and scoop him up...he didn't know her.  
Audra started to second guess her coming and wondered how she was going to get her son to ever trust her, rapidly blinking back the tears, not wanting to upset him further.  
  
'Father...what's going on? What's happening?'  
  
Audra bit back the sharp retort that she wanted to say, not to Shaun but to this faceless Father and moved away, sitting down at the desk. Maybe Kellogg was right...maybe after all this time, Shaun was home.  
  
'I'm sorry for startling you, Shaun. Perhaps Father can come and explain things?'  
  
All the nerves, all the adrenaline was quickly wearing off and she felt exhausted, glancing over when she heard the soft whoosh of the door.  
  
_This was a mistake. I fucked up...I'm no better than Mum._  
  
'Shaun... S9-23 Recall Code Cirrus.'  
  
Audra's eyes flashed back to the child and then again to the man and her heart clenched but it was from him, the one standing there, choking back a sob as she looked up.  
  
'Fascinating...but disappointing. The child's responses were not at all what I anticipated. He's a prototype, you understand. We're only just now beginning...'  
  
She couldn't stop herself from interrupting him, eyes locked on those brown eyes that were so familiar.  
  
'Hello, son. It is good to meet you.'  
  
Audra let out a little bitter laugh, the thought popping in her head that it was a good thing she had sat down...less distance to fall to the floor as her head felt light and her vision got dark around the edges. The soft 'Interesting...' he muttered making her feel like she was going to vomit again before the world went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much from the guys in this one, their POV will play heavily into the next part, so I didn't want to get into it too much. I was trying to keep it focused on how Audra was feeling, so like there might be some parts where it feels like she's not paying attention but like I was trying to make it feel like the nerves and the focus on getting Shaun kinda blocking things out. That's how I get about things I'm nervous about, getting hyper-focused and kinda shutting things out...just me?  
> Fun fact...I don't remember writing the line about big dick energy, I finished that part at like three in the morning after putzing around Tumblr and it must have stuck in my head.  
> I've also been drawing a lot when staring at the blank doc gets to be too much, pop over to Tumblr and take a look and say hi!


End file.
